Scream Queens
by simonew01
Summary: Chanel #6 is part of KKT, a sorority with a dark history. When the new school year starts KKT gets a killer and a group of unusual girls,will they survive the school year?
1. Pilot And Hell Week

The Chanels and I walked into the head Chanel's room, "Good morning sluts." she says with a smirk. "Good morning Chanel." we all reply. Soon we are all walking down the stairs of her closet picking out a bag for her, "No." she says in a monotone voice to #3, "No." she says to #5, "No." she says to #2, "No." she says to me as I show her a bag. We wait for her as she gets ready in her room, when she walks out we clap. "I'll see you ladies in Bio,I have a colonic at 10." #2 tells us she blows a kiss and walks out. The Chanles and I walk down stairs to see our maid cleaning the bulimia vomit off the floor, "Excuse me White Mammy." Chanel says as we get to the bottom, "You can't call me that." says back to her. "Sorry, I have a question and it's just hypothetical. If I asked you if you knew somthin' about birthin' babies or if you know nothin' about birthin' no babies what would you say." she asks in a southern accent looking down at her. "I would say I don't know." said going back to scrubbing the floor "Don't know..."Chanel says "I don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies." she replies giving Chanel the answer she wanted. "Amazing thank you! Oh but still a lot of puke to scrub, let's make that a priority." then we walk down some more stairs going to the front door, "The things you say are hilarious." #3 says "And poniente." I say to Chanel, "Yea you have an amazing skill at telling people what they need to hear." #5 says clearly being a kiss ass, this causes us too turn around "I'm sorry did I ask you to pull down my panties and blow a complement up my butt. Nobody likes a suck up Chanel #5." Chanel says as I stand by #3 "Oh, I almost forgot the Dean called she needs too see you right away." says and then Chanel walks out the door.

Chanel #3 and I leave #5 and walk around the campus, she's my BFFUD (Best Friend Forever Until Death) my only real friend in this group #2 being the second, #1 the third, and #5 being the last, we did have a #4 but she got like super sick, I think it was meningitis, and started complaining to Chanel but she couldn't leave, but she went home anyways and then she died. "What do you think their talking about?" I ask her "I don't know but I hope it's good news we can't afford any more bad new about us." she tells me. "Yea maybe it's good. I hope." I say unsure "Let's go to class." she replies linking arms with me. Several hours later we have the rush party, #3 and I are handing out champagne to people "Don't look so excited it's not diet." she says in her usual monotone voice. We pass out 3 drinks until we get too two girls and hand them the trays "Hold these there too heavy." I tell them as #3 and I stand by the girls with our arms linked together, then Gigi Caldwell clinks her fork against her glass "Sisters, official pledges, I have an important announcement to make. Ahh I am bursting like a piece of freshen up. Anyway Dean Munsch and I were talking about how to bring Kappa Kappa Tau into the 21st century, now what's cool these days is a global community free of cliques" she then gets cut off by the Dean "Let's cut to the chase, this year Kappa will be required too accept anyone who wishes to become a pledge." the whole room starts to murmur while I stand there with a shocked look on my face. She then continues "If you're enrolled at this university you are free to become a pledge at Kappa Kappa Tau. The doors are opened to the public." she finishes everyone leaves except three girls my look soon turned worried so did #3 and #5's, "You can't do this!" I say to her outraged, the Dean just scoffs as she finishes her drink then walks away. I run upstairs to Chanel's room entering without knocking she quickly turns around to me hearing the door slam shut "You didn't knock. You know what that means rules are rules even if you are one of my favorites." I then slap myself, "Thank you. Now what is it?"she asks me "You have to come down stairs, now." I tell her. We walk down the stairs "This is a total nightmare. Ugh." #3 says watching us come down the stairs with #5,we then follow Chanel to the misfit girls Neck Brace, Deaf Taylor Swift, Predatory Lez, and two other girls. The door bell then rings "What in fresh hell is this." Chanel says as we all turn our head towards the door, we walk to the door as the Dean opens it to reveal a chubby looking girl with frizzy hair, "Chanel I would like to introduce you to Jennifer." she says putting her arm around the girl "I'm sorry Kappa doesn't participate in the Make a Wish Foundation." Chanel tells the Dean. "Oh but you do now. Jennifer here is a softmore I found her sitting in the library without a friend in the world, when she meets you Chanel. Jennifer here is your new pledge. So why don't you tell Chanel a little bit about interest." then Jennifer smiles "I'm a candle vlogger." she says looking at us. "What the hell is that?" Chanel asks with a confused face, she later finds out I'm guessing by her scream from her room.

The next night #2 told us she found a shrine of Chanel so we all go to her room, "Enter ye who dares." we hear her say so we all walk in "We have some bad news." #2 says, "We found something." I say after her "Number 2 came up to ask if she had a bigger punch bowl and her door was open." #3 says. We than all walk to 's room to show Chanel the horrible shrine "I love a creepy collage." #2 says,we walk down the stairs with an outraged Chanel, "Ok so you all wanna be Kappa's well you're about to learn what being a Kappa is all about." she says while we walk down the stairs to the pledges, "It's about kicking the living crap out of someone who disrespects you. Follow me." she says as we all walk towards the kitchen. "Hey White Mammy, you're about to get your ass handed to you. I was just in your room where I noticed a sizable shrine with burning candles, photo's of me with my face scratched out and 2 pairs of my stolen panties. Care to explain chubby old Nazi." Chanel says. looks at her confused "Chanel I don't know what you're talking about." she tells her, Chanel then continues her rant "Now I know why your food always tastes like it has a little bit of pee in it. You know ladies and I had arranged a little prank where I was gonna dip her fat face in some cold fry oil to scare all you bitches. Well now I propose a change of plans,what do you think how bout I just drown you in it." screams as Chanel runs towards her, grabbing her maids uniform then dunking her head in the boiling oil. We all scream as Chanel continues "Oh my god who turned the fryer on!" she screamed with a scared look on face, when Chanel let go of her lifts her face out of the oil and turns around we scream some more as we see her face, she then pulls at her fried skin then dropping to the floor dead, ending our screams. Chanel pokes at her arm with her foot then turns to look at us "She's dead." then one of the pledges screams at her "Well of course she's dead you just burnt her face off.", "Shut up you don't die from getting your face burnt off!" Chanel screams back at her "Yes you do."another pledge replies with a grossed out look on her face. "She probably had a heart attack."Chanel says trying to convince us, "Oh my god."the blonde pledge says then turning and walking out if the kitchen with Chanel following after her. "Where are you going!" she yelled following her along with the rest of us "To the campus police there's a dead women in the kitchen." she says while walking towards the front door "She was a servant she knew the risks."Chanel told her the pledge then turns around to face Chanel "I'm going to the authorities.", "Oh I'll be sure to tell them how you shoved into the fry oil." Chanel tells her with a dangerous tone. "You did that!" the pledge says with disbelief "That's not how I saw it. Pledges who will back me up on my story if I promise to get you COOL boyfriends?" Chanel asks turning around to look at the rest of the pledges when no one raised their hand she added on "And I'll take you all on my parents jet to Cancun for Spring Break." everyone raised their hand except Zaday, she looked at all of us "All ya'll ratchet.". Chanel turned back to Grace "You're a horrible person." she told Chanel "Maybe, but I'm rich and I'm pretty so it doesn't matter." after that the Chanel's and I wrapped and duct tapped body in some sheets then made the pledges put her in a wagon so we could put her in a freezer. After they put it in there Chanel started talking " Sisters and pledges of Kappa Kappa Tau, we now all share something very precious to me.", "A felony?" Grace asked in a sarcastic tone "A secret. And secrets are the glue that bind sorority sisters together. We will remember this night for the rest of our lives, and until the day we die. We will know that we are the only people that knows what happened in that kitchen, because if any of you ever tell I will make sure that you end up laying right next to in the freezer."she states in a serious tone. "Who wants cocktails!" Chanel says all but Grace and Zayday cheer as we walk from the freezer.

The next night Chanel decided that it would be a good idea if we had a ritual, so the Chanels and I sit in a circle around a candle in the dark. Chanel pricks her finger then begins talking "Kappa sisters someone is screwing with us this blood oath will ensure solidarity among are all related now, let's all touch bloody fingers as I read this oath. 'Hail Odin wise warrior one eyed wanderer tell the scenes your missing eye sees". She then gets cut off by #5 "Wait Odin who? Where did you find that?" Chanel looks at her "I don't know the internet I Googled 'Blood Oath' and this is what came up. 'Norris father you who chooses the slang on this Winter Solstice", "What Solstice? Isn't that Wiccan, what does that mean?" #3 asks "I don't know number 3 I didn't spend a lot of time in the internet looking up different blood oaths. I just need you all too not say anything about what happened and I thought this blood oath was cheaper then buying you all presents." Chanel says getting angry. "Look we're all freaking out okay, so let's just put our fingers together and keep quiet." #2 says wanting to get this over with "Fine." Chanel says handing the needle to #2 "Wait what about STD's? What if one of us has genital warts or chlamydia or something?" I ask "Idiot, you don't get STD's from blood oaths. You get STD's from dirty toilet seats and drinking the water in Mexico." she tells me "Um STD stands for 'sexually transmitted disease'which means that its transmitted sexually." #5 says smartly. "Does it look like the 5 of us are about to have sex right now!?" Chanel yells at her "I have HPV." #3 says quietly next to me "What?" Chanel asks "Yea I got it last summer, it's not a big deal a lot of girls have it I just think I should sit out of the whole blood oath thing." #3 explains which didn't come as a surprise to me I was the first one she called when she found out, "How did you get HPV when were you in Mexico?" Chanel asks once again making #3 and I's eyes squint "I can't do this." #2 says getting up from the circle "Oh god, fine you know what forget the blood oath every time I try too plan something you dumb bitches ruin it." Chanel says looking at us. "I can't stay silent, somebody murdered and I wanna be a network newscaster. I'm calling my mom and I'm going home." she takes off her cloak and leaves the room.

#3, #5 and I go too check on #2 when we found her dead laying in front of her computer so we screamed and Chanel walked in, "Ok let's just all calm down clearly did this." she insisted "That seems like an insane conclusion to jump to." #3 told her. Chanel paced around while talking " is back from the dead and getting revenge by killing us one at a time." she sighed then continued "Wait a minute, this is great this is amazing." I looked away from the dead body of my friend to Chanel "How is this amazing?" I asked her "If is still alive that proves I didn't kill her, now I won't be prosecuted for murder and I can stay popular and I can stay on my proper career track and Chad Radwell won't break up with me.", "Ok well then there's no reason we shouldn't call the police." #3 said getting out her phone only for Chanel to grab it out of her hands and throwing it on the bed"Are you kidding me number 3 what are we gonna tell them? That we burned 's face off, thought she was dead hid the body and it came back to life and stabbed Chanel #2 while we were all in the house? Their never gonna believe that, that's an insane story.", "That is insane." #5 said quietly but #3 and I turned our heads to look at her "If we can't prove what happened then we need to keep the body here." Chanel told us "We can't just leave her here she was our friend." I tell her Chanel looked down at #2's body "Meh.". The door bell rang and we all turned towards the hall "Ladies that's the door, Hell week begins now." #3 told us then we all left and walked down stairs to see the pledges, "Good evening idiot hookers, I'm very happy to welcome you to Hell Week here at Kappa house." Chanel said greeting them then Hester clapped after Chanel finished, "Could you speak up please I'm having trouble hearing you." Tiffany asked Chanel "I said "Welcome to Hell Week!" she repeated in a louder tone "When you stupid dugongs fist waltzed through that door I could tell that you thought you were gonna have it easy. Well, let me relive you of that misconception because you're about too get hazed hared that a suburban banquet hall during bat mitzvah season.". Grace then decided to speak up "I'm not gonna let you haze any of these girls." Zayday stood up along with Grace "And I will litigate." she said "There's gonna be a new Kappa house on this campus and it starts with us." "Hmm." Zayday said after Grace, "It's going to be a sorority about empowerment, sisterhood and respect." Grace continued "That sounds terrible." the lesbian pledge said after Grace finished, "Ok Pissy Spacek, you and I have a few differences we need to iron out. What do you say to a little coffee klatch? We can talk it over. Number 6 your in charge." Chanel finished walking out Zayday whispered something to her and Grace whispered back then walked out then I smirked at the girls. After #2 and 5 buried the pledges neck down in the ground we all stood on the stairs in the backyard looking at them, "The Sexy Gohper Whore Head challenge is one of Kappa house's oldest hazing traditions." I told them "You gals are gonna stay here overnight getting to know each other and trying to keep the ants from crawling up your noses, while the Chanels and I go get banana daiquiris at the White Stallion." #5 said after them "Good night ladies." I said with a fake smile on my face then walking off with #3 and 5.

The next morning Tiffany was pronounced dead in our backyard with her head mowed off. The Dean stood in our living room with Gigi and a detective, "Girls he's here investigating the beheading that happened in your garden last night. Where is and Chanel #2?" she asked us "It is pretty suspicious that they're not here."Chanel told her "Well as far as I'm concerned all of you are suspects. It was only a matter of time before things got out of hand at the sorority and someone got killed." the Dean told us "We don't want any of you leaving campus until we get to talk to all of you,get a better sense of what happened." the detective said to us making me look at #3 who I was sitting next to. "Y-You can't keep us prisoner here." Grace told them "No he can't,but none of you are excused to leave. So if you do you will be graded on every missing test and class assignment and this investigation could take weeks,which means it's most likely that you will fail out of college." the Dean said clearly blackmailing us, "Wh-Gigi you can't let her do this." Grace said looking at her "If someone is targeting you they're gonna find you wherever you are. You know and at least if you're here you can keep an eye out for each other. We can make it fun,huh? Like a Friends episode, but someone's ,you know...trying to murder all the friends." Gigi finished. "Good. Then it's decided. Detective there's a sushi bar that I love." the Dean said walking off with the detective. Grace stood up "You guys Gigi is right,we have to move into the house. It's the only way we can look after one another." then #5 started freaking out "That's insane ok?Pledges cannot move into the house.", "The risks are real but we need to close ranks. If any of you pledges die while protecting a sister you're allowed to skip the rest of Hell Week. And I'm gonna hire security. " Chanel told the pledges causing the lesbian to turn around "I don't feel comfortable with a man protecting me. It's representative of the patriarchal post-colonial culture that encourages violence against women." Chanel rubbed her temples then Gigi started talking "Always saying what everyone is thinking. Ladies..I got this ok? I got it."

The Chanels and I were back in Chanel #2's room "We need to get rid of the body before the new security guard finds it. Ideas. Go." she told us "We buy a pig and feed it the body. Pigs will eat anything." #5 says which causes Chanel to look at her crazy "Oh yea number 5, let's just mosey on down to the hog district and bring home a 400 pound sow. That's not conspicuous at all.", "My uncle owns a dairy farm in Wisconsin, and they have these poop lagoons. They're like ten feet deep and in the winter they freeze over. And my uncle told me, my sister and number 6 once like, "Don't go skating on those poop lagoons because if you fall in you'll drown in the poop and come springtime, there'll be nothing left of your body." #3 finished "Do you, your sister and number 6 have some form of intellectual disability? Because if I encountered a lake of frozen poo, literally the last question I would ask is: can we ice skate on this?" Chanel finished and #3 locked arms with me. "I know what you should do ." we hear when we turn around we see Hester "This isn't what it looks like." Chanel tried to convince her "She's asleep. Chanel #2 is asleep." I say looking at the body then at Hester "Don't worry, we're sisters. I won't tell anyone." she whispered the last part then moved into the room towards the body "When I was six years old my father died,and my mother made me kiss the body at his funeral. Ever since then, I've been obsessed with death." she then bent in front of the body "Here's what you should do. Pulverize her teeth, burn off her finger tips and disfigure her face. Once her body is unrecognizable we can create an incision on her inner thigh and drain out all of her bottley fluids. That'll give us more time to deconstruct the body." she explained and I was honestly disgusted "Ew! What?!" Chanel said disgusted "Because truly grinding down a body takes a lot of work. You need a really good food processor, and you run the risk of fouling the plumbing, which is why you should only do it if you know how to clean out meat and bones from a drain pipe. Each of these plans has its drawbacks, but don't worry. I'm willing to help in any way possible." Hester explained getting up from the body and walked in front of us. "You're obviously a psychopath and those ideas are insane! So no we won't be putting her in a food processor or boning her like an enormous chicken. We're gonna put her in the meat locker for now and revisit the question when I'm not totally grossed out by you and feel like I'm gonna barf. Ok. Grab the duvet and wrap her up." Chanel tells us. We set the body down once we get into the meat locker "We should touch her. If we touch her she won't hurt our dreams." Hester tells us "Wait why would she haunt our dreams?" #3 asks her grabbing on to my arm "And if her eyes are open she'll take one of us with her." Hester says gain "Take with her? What the hell are you taking about?Why are you trying to terrify us?" Chanel says again "Can I call you mom?" Hester ask Chanel "What?" Chanel said "Please? I feel so loved by all of you." Hester then tries to grab #5's necklace only for her to pull away "Wait, you want to call all of us mom? That's insane." Chanel said "And super confusing" #5 tells her "Actually its a new pop culture trend where young women desperately in need of role models, so they call other girls they look up to Mom." #3 tells them "Lorde's fans call her mom." I tell them also. "I thought you'd be cool with it I mean, I did just give you several ways to dispose of a body." Chanel finally getting tired of it says "Fine ok you can call us mom. Let's just lock the body and forget any of this ever happened." Chanel starts walking out of the meat locker "Wait, mom. We shouldn't lock her in here. If we do her soul will be able to escape and then it'll follow us around." Hester calls out, Chanel was getting fed up "Ok fine, just stop talking. You are so friggin' creepy!" Chanel tells her we then all walk out of the freezer and Chanel closes the door.

The Chanels and I sat in the living room as Gigi and some officer talked to us "Ladies this is Officer Hempville. Officer we are so happy ..." then Chanel cut her off "Excuse me, where did you find her?" Gigi looked at the officer then back at us "Well, I knew we needed a top notch security company so I let my fingers do the walkin'. I checked the Yellow Pages." we looked at her confused "What's that?" #3 asked her "Officer we're terrified. Ok? Someone just mowed off a deaf girls head in our backyard." #5 told her "Well ladies you have nothing to be afraid of so long as I'm around. Though-though technically I'm not a police officer. I mean, as you see I'm not licensed to carry a sidearm. I am employed by Secure Enforcement Solutions, which is a private contractor hired to work in tandem with campus security." Officer Hempville explained. I looked at her "Wait so you don't have a gun?" I asked her "No I do not. But I do have... a nightstick ok? I have pepper spray. And I have a walkie talkie that I can use to call the police,who do have guns." she told me "What good are you? We can call the police ourselves." Chanel told her "Well with Denise Hempville on the scene you're not gonna have to. Now i-if there is a killer on this campus Denise Hempville's gonna make damn sure that everybody in Kappa House is safe and sound until that killer is brought to justice." she explained to us "How?" #3 and I ask "I'm glad you asked. With the Secure Enforcement Solutions three step program. Right step one, if you are in danger scream Denise Hempville's name real loud and I will be on the premises at all times and I will come a-runnin'. Now let's just say you screamed Denise Hempville's name and I do not come a-runnin' that means I am not on the premises. Ok? In that case proceed to step two, call 1-866-KLJ-0199 ok? I will be notified immediately and come a-runnin'." we all just looked at her "Wait sorry what..." Gigi said interrupting her "Yeah hold on. Now if-if any of you can't get through to the 866 number because of the long wait times and such, then what you're gonna want to do is proceed to step three. Get the hell of out of there run away, real fast." she finished. We all looked at her in disbelief "Are you serious?" I asked her "Yeah run away, get out of there, scram! Ok? And when you get to a place that is deemed by you to be safe, call 1-866-KLJ-0199. All right? Now I would give you my number but my cell phone is off right now, but if you call the 866 number..boom on the walkie they can always get me. We need to go over the steps again?" she asked us.

The pledges were cleaning the floors with Barbie toothbrushes while we watched drinking cocktails when Chanel cleared her throat stopping in front of Zayday, "Zayday must I remind you that this is Hell Week, which is the time to prove you're worthy of being in this house." she told her then kicking Zayday's bucket "There's not enough soap in your bucket. Can't get the floors clean without suds.". Then Zayday looked up at her "If you want the place clean maybe you shouldn't have burned the maids face off." she told Chanel "You have no proof of that." Chanel told her Grace decided to speak up "I will go get more soap." she got up from the floor "You should probably bring a flashlight." #3 told her then Grace pushed her way past #5 and left the room. A couple minutes later Grace didn't come back so #5 went down to get her, when they came back up Grace gave the soap to Zayday then the pledges finished the floors, that night #3 slept in my room telling me that she was scared.  
We were at Coffee Klatch drinking our coffee the next morning talking about more hazes to do "What if we stapled their earlobes?" #3 said to Chanel "No. Too easy. I only wanna haze the pledges if we're gonna haze them in a fresh, exciting way." Chanel told her when I noticed Boone come up to our table, "Chanel, can I talk to you? In private." he asked her "Private like the parts of a man that you like putting in your mouth?" she told him making #3, 5 and I laugh. "Okay fine. Here goes. I know you're gonna destroy my reputation on campus by telling people I'm a secret gay." he said to her making her "Mm." in reply "And I'm gonna get kicked out of the Dollar Scholars House with nowhere to live because the world of golf doesn't really dig on gay dudes as a rule." #3 looks up at him bored "You've been talking for a while." he looks at her then back to Chanel "I want to publicly come out a gay on my own. And then join Kappa." which causes #5 to scoff "I mean, you guys have to accept everybody right?" he said hopeful. "No .No we don't have to accept gay dudes." #5 cut in "I actually think that's illegal." I tell her "No. We're doing it." Chanel said with an idea "What?! Chanel... Chanel that's crazy" #5 tells her "I am a future network news anchor that involves a little thing called the media, which is like chock-full of gays. If I presided over the first sorority ever to accept a gay imagine how far that would get me with my future gay makeup person, my gay wardrobe person not to mention my creepy, gross, gay viewers and weird, gay higher-ups." Chanel told us already in full plan mode, but #5 was freaking out for some weird reason "No, no. No way this isn't happening. Chanel you are not thinking clearly okay? Accepting a gay will hurt the house, and he's gonna steal all of our expensive makeup and toiletries. Boone, Chanel is my best friend and if you choose to bring shame on her and Kappa House, I will come after you do you understand that? I will destroy you." #5 told him shoving him slightly "I trust you'll consider my offer." Boone told Chanel then walking away, Chanel looked at #5 like she was crazy as she sat down then we all went back to drinking our coffee. Later Chanel was writing on the pledges half naked bodies "Whoa what do we have here? Look Chanels. Someone's got a poo belly." Chanel said writing poo on Hester's stomach then a timer dings making #3 and I get up going to the kitchen to get the shots "Time for another mayonnaise shot ladies." after we got them ready we came out with a tray "Hello hood rat, sweet Yeezus, I don't even know where to begin with you." Chanel told Zayday "Bitch, I'm about to smack you so hard your tampon's gonna pop out." Zayday told her with attitude. Chanel then started writing on her but then stopped "Oh. Hold on. Number 5 then pledges are yours. I'm gonna go to my room for a sec to fetch some white eyeliner so I can write legibly here on Zayday." she laughs then walks upstairs "Cheers ladies." #5 said while we picked up our drinks, clinked our three glasses together then watch the pledges drink the mayonnaise. A few minutes later a scream was heard coming from Chanel "He was there, he was in my room!" she said scared as we ran up the stairs along with Hempville "What's going on? I heard screaming." she asked Chanel "A Red Devil! A guy in a Red Devil costume attacked me! I was just looking for white eyeliner so I could draw on Zayday when all of the sudden, there he was trying to push me out a window." she explained to us. "So you think the killer is still up there?" Hempville asked her pointing upstairs "Yes!" Chanel replied hysterically "Okay well then let's go." #5 said heading up the stairs with us following "Go where?!" Hempville asked "Upstairs to get the killer before he gets away!" #5 told her "Ah nah! Nah! Nah! Hell nah! You just said that you think the killer is up there, and that's where you wanna go? That's insane! What you need to do is run out this door." Hempville told us "Denise we're going upstairs." #3 told her "Come on." I said after her as we headed up the stairs except Denise "You dumb girls are so stupid! Y'all gonna get yourselves killed!" she yelled after us. As we went down the hallway towards Chanel's room the Grace grabbed a chair, Hester grabbed a top from a glass container and Zayday grabbed a vase with white roses in them when we got in the room we all screamed not to find the Red Devil but writing on the wall in blood we all looked around to see if the Red Devil was still there "Closets clear" the lesbian pledge told us "There's no one here." Hester said terrified "This is frekin' terrifying!" Chanel said waving her arms around looking around the room.

Later after the terrifying indecent Chanel went back to hazing the girls, "Congratulations stupid hippos, if you make it through this banquet of delicious Oriental foods, you are officially done with Hell Week. Maybe. And now let us all sip from this communal bowl of Chinese lemon soup. De-licious." Chanel said to the girls while I held the bowl while she dipped her fingers in it then I handed it to #3 then sitting down at the table " Hold on y'all that's not soup. I just saw you wash your hands with that." Zayday told the pledges "Zayday is correct. I just used that finger bowl to wash my hands,something I didn't do all day, despite having dropped turdlets off at the pool twice." Chanel told them "This is insane. We are not drinking your filthy hand water Chanel." Grace said speaking up "I will. I will drink the soup Chanel. I will. I will drink it all." Hester said causing #3 hand her the bowl then drinking it all while #3 sat by me "Can we stop with the gross weird hazing for a second and talk about what I thought we were sitting down here to talk about? That there's a serial killer on campus and we need to figure out who it is. Chanel we all actually saw you kill remember? So right now you're my prime suspect." Zayday told her "Yes okay I burned her slightly but stop saying that I killed her. I wish I had, because now she's walking the Earth with a burnt-off face murdering people. is obviously the killer!" Chanel told us. Zayday flipped her hair "Well, did maim and viciously disfigure Melanie Dorkess last year?" she asked her causing the whole table to look at Chanel who was shaking with anger then stood up "How dare you, that was a tragic accident. I am a kind and devoted and loving friend to all. I'm not some crazed psychopath. If anyone here is a psychopath its Neckbrace." she said pointing at Hester "Oh my god thank you." she said back to her then Chanel sat back down "What's your alibi, Grace huh? Maybe you're the killer." then Hester looked at Grace "Yeah where were you when Deaf Taylor Swift had her head mowed off?" Grace looked back at Chanel "Well you weren't there either Chanel." Chanel slammed her hands on the table causing us to jump slightly "Enough! I will not be put on trial. The truth is we don't know who the killer is, and yes I suppose it could be someone in this room. Now call me old fashioned but I choose to believe that we are sisters, who are in this together, bound by a sisterly duty to protect one another and to protect the proud traditions of Kappa House. Now can we please get back to drinking my pooey hand water?" Chanel said to us slightly calming down, then Chad walked in "Everybody listen up. Chad has something to say" he said with Denise running in after him Chanel stood up "Chad!" she said. Denise was panting in the background trying to catch her breath "Hold on everybody, listen...listen up to me first. Whew, sorry" she said to Chad which he replied with "Take your time." she was still catching her breath "You wanna go first?" she asked him he looked down at her "Not now. Just do your thing." "Okay." she responded "My friend Shondell was murdered last night. The killer stabbed her right in the face. Denise Hempville freaked out, nobody came a-runnin'. So I grabbed Shondell, and I pushed her right out of that car. I drove away real scared, and now the body is missing." she finished "What?" Grace said "Right!" Denise replied "Wow." Grace said back. Then Chad put his hand up "Look uh, Chanel... look ever since I broke up with you I..I banged like 50 chicks. Also, my best friend Boone... ooh, he is dead." Chad said tearing up,Chanel sat down and I stared at #5 thinking that she had something to do with Boone. After everyone went to bed I snuck out of the house and headed to Chad's fraternity to see my boyfriend, but on the way I saw someone that looked like Boone but then he disappeared before I could follow him so I quickly walked away and towards the Frat house.


	2. Chainsaw

The next night we had a rally for I don't know what, while I walked with the crowd of people holding a candle Chanel ran up to me and grabbed my arm dragging me with her "Where are we going?" I asked her she stopped and looked at me "You know you're my favorite and #5 is betraying me, I need emotional support from my best friend." she told me so I went with her. "Chad?!" she said looking around in the crowd of people when she found him and my boyfriend Earl "Chad I need to talk to you. It is so sad about Boone isn't it?" she said while we stopped in front of him, then she touched his chest "Oh are you okay? I mean how are you feeling?" he looked down at her "Uh I don't know. How do you... How do you think I'm feeling Chanel? My best friend in the world, who used to compliment me all the time, was murdered so, news flash I'm super sad." he said back to her. "I want to be the one who tells you how awesome you are all the time." she told him wanting him back "Well uh you had your chance Chanel, you ruined it when you started freaking out when I said I want to have sex with your corpse." he told her making Earl and I look at each other "I know, okay, and I am so sorry. I just... I want us to be together. I mean all I ask is that...maybe you have sex with a smaller number of people." she finished making him whimper "What? Do you understand how controlling that is Chanel? Okay I know your not a psych major so you're not gonna really process what I'm telling you right now, but what you just said is literally pathological. Okay why do you even care how many people I sleep with? Okay, I always wear protection and it's like I love these chicks." he told her obviously caring for her. She looked up at him with a shocked look "You..You love me?" he looked at her "That is not what I said!" while Chanel smiled at him "You love me." he still denied it "Stop saying that. Look Chanel you're hot...I guess. I mean your boobs are symmetrical and you shave your box in a hot way. All right, but also you're responsible for the worst pledge class in the history of the university. At this point I'm not even sure if I can have sex with you. Okay I'd be doing you and all of a sudden look down and I see the back of your head and then I'd just like, picture the back of the head of one of your ugly pledges and I'd... I'm sorry Chanel. It's not gonna happen. I got to break up with you again." he told her. She got upset "Chad!" they continued their conversation "Yeah." he responded "Please. There-there has to be something I can do." she told him pleading "Ew. Look, just pray. Pray that all those donkey faced pledges get murdered so you can be popular again. Now if you'll excuse me, Earl Gray and I need to go mourn our fallen brother and get our drink on." then he walked away while Chanel stomped her foot "Do you want to come over later?" Earl asked me, I shook my head "No, Chanel is like, super upset right now and I need to help her." I told him "Okay I'll call you later love." he kissed me then walked towards Chad. Chanel and I walked away with her while we passed #3 trying to light a candle, the Dean started talking from her podium "Welcome students, faculty and staff to this rally for sanity and calm, as we vow to take back the night!" people started cheering and clapping "The police are still investigating the tragic passing of freshman Tiffany de Salle. And the recent passing of junior Boone Clemens has been ruled a sucied by the county coroner. Keeping these facts in mind we must put to bed wild rumors of a serial killer, a so-called Red Devil, stalking this campus and murdering students willy-nilly. Out university is as safe as ever, our security staff of the highest caliber. We must therefore, resist the temptation to for example, tase freshmen history major Eugene Melman in the genitals. After many hours of deep soul-searching I have,along with the university's board of directors decided that the Red Devil mascot that has demonstrated our school's pride for the past 80 years is really no longer appropriate to represent us as we forge our way into the future." she continued with a smile on her face "Instead, we've decided to highlight this region's proud history with a new mascot. Ladies and gentlemen I am thrilled and honored to introduce to you this university's newest addition, Coney!" she pointed to a ice cream cone that started dancing while we all stared at it. "As you know in 1955 local dairyman Randy Barfman added kelp extract to his ice cream, creating the world's first soft-serve ice cream!" the dean continued with her speech with Coney danced "I'd like to say a few in closing. Let's tell each other how we feel about one another. Find that tourcherd gay kid in your life, hold them close tonight. And, uh, how about a big "Go Cones!"." no one said anything "Good night." she said to us walking down the stairs insulting the kid in the cone then leaving.

Chanel and I were in her closet when we heard a sound coming from the bottom level in her closet, we walked to the stairs and looked down to see Hester with Chanel's hat and scarf on she took them off when she saw us looking down at her. "This closet is the most precious thing in my life it's like a second vagina to me. So you sneaking in here and rifling through my clothes is a heinous violation. You have violated my closet vag." Chanel told her as we walked down the stairs stopping in front of her "Is it true that Kurt Lagerfeld is your uncle and he restocks this closet every year?" Hester asks her quickly making Chanel smirk at her before responding "Well, he's not really my uncle. I just call him Uncle Karl because he's so close to my parents. My mother was one of the first Americans ever to wear his surprise skirt. She was seven. I even have one of Choupette's in vitro kittens." she told her bragging. "Who's Choupette?" Hester asks her confused "His sacre de Birmanie cat, of course. She has 46,000 followers on Twitter and two nannies." Chanel tells her "Luckiest pussy in the world." I tell her after "Please Mommies, please tell me everything." Hester says to us so I continue for Chanel "Uncle Karl comes here every fall with trunks of clothes for her to try on. She keeps what she likes." I tell her. "And what do you do with the clothes from last year?" she asks us "Burn them. I once thought about donating them to charity, but there is something so depressing about a poor person walking around in couture." Chanel continues, "It's like, "Sorry but that Lavin sweater is not appropriate for your job at Roy Rogers." I say after her. Hester gets close to us while talking "Growing up all I wanted to be was a fashion girl. And then tragedy struck." she yells the last part making Chanel and I jump "Is that how you got in that hellacious neck brace? Was there an accident?" Chanel asks her "No, severe scoliosis. It stunted my growth." she told us bluntly "But you're my size." she whispers to us. We look her up and down "Maybe on a bloaty day." we tell her in sync, then Chanel gets an idea "Oh my god. This is perfect, Chad broke up with me because he said this house is full of losers. But if we fixed you up a little bit there will be one less disaster under this roof. I will totally look like someone nice." Chanel tells her excited while Hester nods her head at the idea of being pretty "We're gonna make you over." I tell her "Thank you. Thank you, Mommies. Thank you." Hester says happily, I look down at her neck brace "But first...We're gonna need some pliers." I say while tapping her brace.

Chanel and I head down the stairs to the rest of the girls "Bitches gather round." I tell them "Holy mother of god what is this?" I hear #5 say when she see Hester come down the stairs behind us. "Bitches I'd like you to meet Chanel #7." Chanel tells them after we get into the living room. This made #5 jump up "No way,no freaking way! You can't make a pledge a Chanel." she yells at us "What do you want me to do two Chanels are dead. I need Chanels and I'm running out of minions." Chanel tells her back. "Hester you took your neck brace off, and you look um, amazing." Grace says to her surprised "My muscles have atrophied and the pain from not wearing my brace has me on the verge of passing out, but I've never been happier in my whole life. Chanel and Aspen says that I can hold their hair back now during purge nights." Hester says making #3 look at me from her spot on the couch "I thought I was the only one to use your real name and we held each others hair back on purge nights?" she asks sadly, I look at her with a cold look "We're not friends anymore, you've been replaced with Chanel." I say looking away. "This will not stand! You don't have any respect for any of us or the rules of this house. You don't deserve to be president." #5 continues her rant "She does have a point." Zayday says to us "Okay pledges, line up for tonight's festivities. We're going to play a game called Cocaine or Dildo." Chanel tells everyone. "Ohh that sounds fun but also kind of like hazing and illegal in like what, six different ways." the Dean says coming in the house with a suitcase along with Gigi and her suitcase "But I brought Trivial Pursuit 90's edition." Gigi says standing next to the Dean as we turn to look at them "Sounds boffo, but we're having a house-only night tonight." Chanel tells them "Okay, works for us we're moving in, to keep an eyes on you girls for the rest of the week." the Dean tells us making our eyes widen at the news. Later that night we all went to bed not being able to haze with Gigi and the Dean in the house, I was in my bed doing psych homework when #3 comes in my room, "What the hell is wrong with you?" she asks me stopping in front of my bed. I typed while responding "I don't know what you're talking about." she sighs closing my laptop making me look at her "You're not talking to me and you replaced me with Chanel why?" I looked up at her "You've been keeping a secret from me and you won't tell me. And you told that pledge, whatever her name is and not me. We're BFFUD's, we've told each other everything since eighth grade and now you won't now." I respond to her. She sits on the edge of my bed and looked at her lap "Okay the truth is-" she says before getting cut off with a scream from down stairs, the Chanels, the lesbian pledge and I run down the stairs to see Gigi on the ground with Grace's dad and furniture surrounded around them "Girls go! Get back to your room! Call 911!" Gigi tells us making us run back up the stairs to our phones and we all call the cops.


	3. Haunted House

A couple minutes later the cops showed up searching the house and interrogating the Dean. The next morning the Chanels, Pledges and I were carving out pumpkins in the kitchen as Zayday walked in "What's wrong with you girl?" she asked Grace who looked distracted but I blocked out their conversation until Grace asked us a question "Also I'm sorry is anyone weirded out that we're doing this in the same room that got her face burnt off in? I mean she literally died right there." she pointed to a spot on the floor while walking to Zayday. "Um this just in, 's not dead. She's haunting the campus with her fatness and murdering people." Chanel told us as she walked in the stood at the head of the counter with a pumpkin in her hands "Now, show me your pumpkins sows. We need to FedEx them to my Instagram followers right away for Chanel-O-Ween. Halloween is right away the corner" she told us with a smile. Sam was the first to show her pumpkin "My pumpkin's drunk." Chanel looked at it "Approved.", "Mine's Charles Manson." #3 said with a smirk "Love." Chanel replied then I turn mine around "Mine's the Chanel logo." Chanel smiled at me "Beautiful.", "Mine's Chad Radwell." Hester said turning hers around "Fine." Chanel replied with a weirded out look "Mine's Hurricane Andrew and the destruction it wrought on the state of Florida." Jennifer told her Chanel just stared at her making Jennifer put her head down. "Mine's just a regular jack-o-lantern, which I'm sure you'll hate." Grace said "Correct, start over" Chanel told her with sass in her voice "Zayday?" Chanel asked looking at her as the Chanels and I walked behind her, Zayday turned her pumpkin around to show that it said 'Yes, I Can' "What the hell does that mean?" Chanel asked her confused "Well, for Halloween I'm hosting a haunted house to raise money for sickle anemia. Because...today is the day that I declare my intention to run for president of Kappa House." Zayday said with a slight smile. This made Chanel drop her pumpkin "What?!" Chanel yelled at her "Wait...why are you holding a fund-raiser though?" Jennifer asked from her spot next to Sam "To show my voters that I'm a serious candidate and it isn't just a popularity contest." Zayday responded "But all your voters are in this room. You could've just told us." Jennifer said back to her "Hey, Jennifer can you hop off the spectrum for just one second." Chanel told her scoffing "I don't think you understand the magnitude of the miscalculation you just made." Chanel walked over to Zayday "I can assure you you will not be winning an election anytime soon. And when you loose, I am gonna make it my lifelong passion to destroy you reputation." Chanel finished "Let me brew you a hot cup of tellin' it like it is. You're a stuck up little sociopath, and everybody in this room knows it. I'm reasonably confident that these girls will kick your psycho ass to the curb the first chance they get. It might behoove you to recall that everybody here witnessed you actually murder somebody, a fact that's one anonymous phone call away form being a juicy little segment on the local news." Zayday challenged her "I didn't kill . And if I do murder someone, it's gonna be you." Chanel said back to her then walked away.

Later that night number 3, 5 and I walk into Chanel's closet to find her sitting behind her counter sharping knifes, "Chanel, it's 3'00 a.m." I said to her as we stopped in front of the counter "We're concerned about your mental health. What are you doing?" #3 said after me, Chanel slowed down the motions of the sharping "Just sharping knifes. Kitchen knifes should be...razor-sharp." then she wined "Chanel we're here for you. It's gonna be okay" #3 said to her as we walked over to her. Chanel stood up with the newly sharped knifes "A sitting Kappa president has not lost the office to a freshmen in 150 years." she then started walking towards number 3 swinging the knifes around "I am responsible for the worst pledge class in Kappa history." then she started walking towards #5 and I as we backed up against the wall of shoes "And now Zayday's gonna win because we live in the age of Obama? What will I do? Where will I go? Who will I be?" then she walked back towards the door "Chanel, please. Put the knifes down." I told her. Chanel sighed as she stopped in front of the doors "I'm sorry." she turned around before continuing "I don't know what came over me." we all walked back to the counters "Look Zayday's throwing a haunted house for charity,so... we'll just have to...throw another party, like...like um..." #5 said thinking of ideas while number 3 and I rolled our eyes "A haunted pumpkin patch." Chanel said for her "How very adolescent of you to think of this. It vaguely smacks of something my six year old sister would be excited about. but... great. Yes." #3 said to her "A haunted pumpkin patch created expressly to raise money for some disease more heinous than Zayday's sickle cell anemia haunted house. Like, um, um..." she looked and #5 and I for an answer "Guinea worm." #5 said "No." Chanel rejected "Wolfman Syndrome." I said to her "No." Chanel said to me "Bark skin." #5 tried again "Next." Chanel rejected again "Lamprey face." #3 suggested "No!" Chanel yelled in frustration picking up the knifes "Hold on." I told them taking out my phone "It's the most disgusting disease in the history of mankind. You get it when you don't understand the most basic tenets of oral hygiene." I tell them. Number 5 looked at me "Okay, what is it?" she asked impatiently "Black...Hairy...tongue." I tell them putting my phone on the table for them to look at "Chanels... thank you." Chanel told us smiling then putting her arms out motioning for us to hug her so we did.

The Chanels and I walked through the cafeteria giving people invitations to the pumpkin patch "I have it on good authority that the Red Devil is going to kill someone in Zayday's haunted house. Don't let it be you." Chanel announced "How do you know that's gonna happen?" #5 asked her "I don't, but how stupid would the killer be to not kill someone there? It's Halloween, everyone will be in costume. Hell, he could kill someone and people would still think it was a decoration." Chanel replied to her while we put the paper on people's trays. "You have this way too thought out." #3 said to her "Isn't this kind of nice? I mean, why else did we all join a sorority in the first place?" Chanel asked us stopping in the middle of the cafeteria "My sense of personal identity is completely external. If I didn't have Kappa to define me I really don't have much to offer." #3 said walking past her, "I found that my particular style of speaking and gesticulation is extremely off-putting to most boys. And girls. And Anyone. But with Kappa as my calling card, everyone seems to overlook that." #5 said after her as we walked behind her "My sense of style and leadership skills is why I joined. And probably because my whole family have been Kappa's. I'm a legacy." I informed them "I joined for whatever reason you joined, Chanel" Hester said to her "No I'm taking about girls uniting with a common goal." Chanel said locking arms with #5 and Hester while #3 and I locked arms "I needed you guys to totally crush the will of young Zayday. To destroy her haunted house, sure, but also to destroy her spirit. And you have all rallied around me Just like I would do for any of you is I wasn't busy that day." Chanel finished her speech "I need to eat, my blood sugar is crashing." #5 told her "I would be honored to treat you all to lunch." Hester said to us as we walked to our table "We always bring our own." #3 and I say to her. When we sit down we pull out our lunches which consisted of cotton balls and three sauces, "I am so grateful that you guys are sharing your not food lunch with me, but won't we, like, die if we eat cotton balls?" Hester asked us "Only if they cause a blockage in our intestinal tracts, but that's what the sauce is for." #3 told her then eating a cotton ball "Lubrication. And it gives you that wonderfully full feeling without all of the calories." #5 said to her, Hester tries eating one of the cotton balls hesitantly putting one in her mouth. Chanel puts her cotton ball on the table "You know what? Poo Belly is right. I'm tired of depriving myself of joy and sustenance. I mean for what? So a boy will like me? Guys can be as porky as they want and we still like them. I'm as skinny as Karen Carpenter in the morgue and Chad Radwell still won't commit to me." Chanel tells as then stands up "I may die at the end of a serial killer's blade, but I refuse to die hungry." we all look at her still eating the cotton except Hester, Chanel then sighs "Let's go get some pizza.". We all start walking to the lunch line when a frat boy's howling stops us "Which one of you ladies would like to be my costume for Halloween? I'm going as 'Dude Having Awesome Sex With You'. " he said laughing as he walked up to us before stopping "Who the hell do yo think you are?" #5 asks him with an attitude "Uh...Tommy?" he replied before another boy from his frat walked over "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa , ladi...ladies." He backed up as we turned to look at him "All right. He was just trying to be nice, okay? I mean, what the hell's wrong with the world where a guy can't even whistle at a chick just to tell her she looks hot? I mean, how else are people supposed to meet people?" the boy said to us making Chanel sigh, "I recently took a women's studies class. Yes, because it was a requirement, but I also learned a lot anyways. Like the culture that says it's okay for a man to objectify a women for her appearance is the same culture that pressures girls as young as ten to have eating disorders." Chanel informs them. "So you're basically saying I'm the one responsible for making you look hot? You're welcome." Tommy tells us "There is a killer on this campus murdering women. When you treat us like meat, you're no better than him!" I tell him as I walk up to him as #3 joins me "Are you gonna tell us to smile now? Call us sweetheart?" she asks him "Actually yes, it's kind of my signature move." he replies to her. "Yea, well this is mine!" Hester tells him before kicking him is the balls and he groans in pain, the other boy go's to help him when #5 trips and #3 catches his tray "You bitch!" Tommy says to Hester, Chanel walks up to him "Hey, that's my sister and she's no bitch, but I am." she then punches him in the face followed by Hester then #3 hitting him with the tray breaking it in half and he falls to the ground, we all then start kicking the two boys as Hester grabs the trash can dumping it on them "You wanna see me smile? Well I'm smiling!" Hester tells them. We then all stop tired "Wow,.Those cotton balls do not provide much energy, do they? I asks them, the whole cafeteria begins clapping and cheering at what we did then Chanel kicks them one last time.

The cops show up at our house again later that night "We have to file a missing person's report. Someone's kidnapped Zayday." Grace tells one of the officers as we all stand in the living room "I just hope she's found alive in time for the election. I mean it would be insane to vote for a girl who might already be dead." Chanel tells the cop "Dean Munsch you got to shut down this campus immediately!" Grace's dad tells her. The dean turns around and looks at him with a fake smile "Oh, hello, Weston." he continues to talk "There are five dead bodies in that house. Laid out in horrible and deliberate macabre poses.". The detective then begins to talk "The department is not prepared to say that the bodies there are related in any way to these alleged incidents that have been happening on campus." he tells him "Because it's an off campus house." Dean Munsch cuts in "You can't be serious." Weston says to her. "Lets go over the list of dead people. who, apparently, has been dead for a few weeks... Mm-hmm, and also apparently had her face fried off." she states, Chanel fake gasps "What?! Not ! No! No!" she then hugs me while fake sobbing, I hug her back while looking at everyone "They were very close." I tell them "More importantly, not a student." Dean Munsch says back to me then Chanel gets off of me and I go sit next to Earl while Hester takes my place "Next?" the dean says "Shondell Washington, security guard, also dead at least two weeks." the detective continues "Also... not a student." the Dean cuts in again. "A Jane Doe. Approximately age 40. Uh, cause of death:stabbed a whole lot and all over." he says then looking down at the Dean And not a student." she informs once again. "Well what about Coney?" Grace asks them "Yeah, yeah, his head was chopped off by a chainsaw just like the one the Red Devil used to cut that guys arms off." Pete explains backing her up "Now, I'm no detective but that does seem a little more than coincidental." Gigi states "And Chanel #2. I mean I know for a fact that she was a student." #5 says after "Yea, she was in my art history class, I think." #3 claims. "If you continue to refuse to admit that this campus and its students are under attack, then I will be forced to go to the media." Weston tells the Dean "Okay, adults, why don't we head into the kitchen. We can discuss the best course of action over crepes." Dean Munsch says then walks to the kitchen with the cops following but Grace and her dad talk while the Chanels and I go upstairs with Earl following me before Grace stops us, "Wait. Excuse me, where are you going? We need to form a search party for Zayday?" she says to us before we turn to her "Zayday should have considered the fact that she was gonna get kidnapped before betraying me." Chanel tells her. We start going up when Grace talks to Chanel again "You know what Chanel, you make it harder and harder to believe that you're not the killer." Chanel scoffs at her "Ladies we have a pumpkin patch fund raise to attend to." she tells us then we go up the stairs to carve out the pumpkins.


	4. Pumpkin Patch

"I am so excited. I cannot wait to meet Cliff Woo." Hester said excitedly as the Chanels and I walked down stairs "Who's Cliff Woo?" #5 asked "He's a party planner. He did Chanel's Sweet Sixteen." I told her. "The theme was "Let Them Eat Cake" so my dad bought me this foreclosed McMansion down the street, and, like, 500 of my closest friends came dressed in 18th century attire, and, oh, the pool was filled with this, like, caviar slurry. And then at midnight we just burnt the house down. When the firefighters came, they were actually strippers and they put the fire out with champagne. Chanels this is Cliff Woo." we see an Asian man at the table in the living room that had a replica maze. "So walk me through this honey." she says as we stop in front of him "Well as you can see, every pumpkin in the patch is artisanal." he says "Ohh. Good. Love the warty white one. They look like Number Five when she runs out of concealer. " she replies looking closely at the model "Then we move past the ice sculptures of demonic peeing cherubs-and yes, they will all be peeing vodka and Red Bull." he gestures to the fountain "Love!" Chanel claps "And that brings us right over here to the corn maze." Chanel drops her smile "I'm sorry. Corn maze?" she asks "I know. It's just that doing an exact replica of the maze from The Shining would've taken us way over budget on manpower alone." he explains "I told you money was no object. I am gross rich Cliff. So get me, with great haste, my exact replica of the maze from The Shining with knee-deep snow drifts." she said "I'll see what I can do." then he walks out. "Okay music. Go." Chanel turns to Hester "So I contacted Adam Levine and Maroon 5 is in." she said "Great. Go." Chanel turns to #3 and I "Okay well the good news is, we talked to Fergie's agent and she's in." #3 said "The bad news is-and this is totally on me-but I Googled "Fergie's agent" and ended up talking to this British guy before I realized his client was actually Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York. So, my bad, both Fergies are coming." I added "So stupid. But go." Chanel turned to #5 "Okay, so, um, I wasn't able to get Led Zeppelin." #5 says "What?!" Chanel yelled "Well, apparently, one of them died or something." she explains "Dammit Number Five! Do you have any idea what's at stake here? If this Black Hairy Tongue Pumpkin Patch Maze Concert isn't the biggest thing to happen to this campus, I will lose the Kappa House presidency and Chad Radwell will dump me." Chanel explained "Okay, well, it's not my fault that some guy died in the 70's " #5 said "Excuse me? Then whose fault is it, mine? I am tired of the excuses Number Five. I am tired of your sad-sack, I'm-a-total-downer-all-the-time schtick. I ask you to reunite one legendary rock and roll outfit so that guys will show up to my patch, and you're all like, "Oh some guy died." Chanel stomps her foot "I'm over it!" she goes towards the stairs "We still have one more thing to do." we quickly follow her up the stairs. Chanel comes out of her room in a weird time period outfit "Oh my god, why are you so depressed?" #5 asks "My husband was shot in Dallas idiot. For this years Halloween, the Chanels will be going as the wives of fallen presidents. I am Jackie Kennedy. Number Seven, you will be going as the emotionally fragile Ida McKinley, who's husband was felled by an anarchist's bullet." Chanel climbs the stairs gesturing to the outfit "Number Three, you will be going as homely and religious Lucretia Garfield, the bereaved wife of president James Garfield." Chanel says gesturing to a black/nude collard dress "Hold up. No way. Why do I have to be the homely one?" #3 asks "There's only so many murdered presidents Number Three." Chanel tells her "What about Mary Todd Lincoln?" #3 asks "Chanel #5 is Lady Lincoln obvi." Chanel replies walking to another outfit "Wait what do you mean obvi?" #5 asks "Just a second nutbag. If you're gonna be a pain about it, I guess we could open it up to presidents who were almost assassinated, so you can either be Betty Ford-which means you'll have to get wasted and stay wasted all night-or you can be alleged Hollywood mattress Nancy Reagan." Chanel suggest "Dibs. I'm Nancy Reagan." #3 said "I wanna be Betty Ford." I say. Chanel sighs "Of course you do." she says to me "Wait why am I Mary Todd Lincoln?" #5 asks again "God do I have to spell it out for you? You're out of your frigging gourd Number Five. You're a weird, psycho, lunatic who's gonna end up in an asylum somewhere, staring at a wall, trying to nurse a watering can. You're a Mary Todd Lincoln if ever there was one." Chanel explains "That's it! I can't take this anymore!" #5 yells "That is such a Mary Todd Lincoln thing to say." Chanel comments "No! I am done with you Chanel, and I mean it." #5 says "Do you mean it Number Five? Because you scream "I'm done with you" kind of a lot, and yet you're still standing here. Do you know what I think?" Chanel walks down the stairs "I think you know you have a good thing going. You get to bask in my starlight as I do all the work and you get to grumble behind my back about how disrespected you are. Well, you know what you can do? You can either dress up as Mary Todd Lincoln and help me win this presidency or you can pack your things and leave. There's the door." Chanel finished now standing in front of #5 "There's the door bitch!" Hester yells, we stare at #5 as she fixes her hat and leaves "I am so sorry Chanel. You did not deserve to be spoken to like that. Ever." Hester says quietly to Chanel.

"All right. I've gathered your two houses here because it seems like you are the students that are most likely to be killed by the alleged psychopath." Dean Munsch tells our two houses as we sit in the living room "And we got to make a real plan to keep you guys safe going forward." Grace's dad adds "Wait, wait, hold on. We can't move forward because we aren't all here. Why isn't anyone doing anything about Zayday's abduction?" Grace asks looking around the room "Because clearly this fake kidnapping is a play to get the sympathy vote." Chanel replies "So gone girl." #3 and I say "That's bollocks!" Earl yells making me furrow my eyebrows No you're thinking of gravity." Dodger comments "Everybody stop!" #5 yells "Now, Dean Munsch, are you or are you not closing down the campus?" the room gets quiet as we wait for an answer "Yes." we all start freaking out "No! No!" I yell "Why? It's Halloween." #5 complains "This is the biggest candle night of the year." Jennifer complains "I hate you right now!" Hester yells. "Order in the court! I took a class last semester called "American Presidents" or something like that. And they taught us about a man named John Fitzpatrick Kennedy Jr. And that dude wrote a book about the time he served in Vietnam called Profiles in Courage. Is that not what were talking about right now? Courage? Halloween is the greatest night of the year. Greatest night. Because on this night, even shy, kind of homely girls dress up like total sluts." Chad continued his speech, now stood up "I mean, every kind of costume is a slutty version of something. Slutty teacher, slutty nurse, slutty nun. I saw a girl last year dressed up a slutty al-Qaeda. Are we gonna deny ourselves the sluttiest night of the whole year out of fear? Will you look at Caulfield? This dude got his arms sawed off; he's not hiding out. He is down to rage!" we look at Caulfield "Hell, yeah, I am." he replied "See Halloween... it's a night for dudes with killer bods to walk around with our shirts off. And it's totally appropriate as long as we call ourselves gladiators, Chippendales. As our great 60th president John Kennedy Jr. said... "The only thing we have to fear is fear it self." Well in this case, serial murderers too. But we are not afraid of either of those things, uh-uh. So... canceling Halloween sucks. Thank you." Chad finished his speech. "I have no idea how you got into this collage." Dean Munsch said to him getting a wink in reply "And, sorry, curfew is on. Halloween is canceled." she starts walks out as we all shout in reply "Girls, it's okay. Look we'll just hang out and play charades!" Gigi says trying to cheer us up "No! No! We won't! This cannot be happening! Hey, what about Black Hairy Tongue Disease? I mean does nobody care about Black Hairy Tongue?" I ask standing up "What about my pumpkin patch?" Chanel asks "Sorry. Not sorry." Dean Munsch responds then walking out. Chad walks up to Chanel who was standing next to me "Chanel, I blame you for this. Hester, Aspen, nice boobs." then he walks away leaving me super confused, a smiling Hester, and Chanel glaring at both of us.

The next day Chanel and I are in class taking a test when the teacher walks up to her "Excuse me Ms. Oberlin? Are you cheating?" he asks making me, the guy next to me, Chanel and her Asian look up "God no. Kai Zu is my Asian." she tells him "Excuse me?" he asks in confusion "He's not in this class. He's not even enrolled in this school. I keep him on retainer to come take tests with me. Anything math or science..." she explains "Hand in your test. I'm reporting you to Dean Munsch. This is a clear violation of the honor code." he says cutting her off "You must be new here." Chanel tells him then pulling out her phone "Who are you calling?" he asks "Her daddy. She's gonna get you fired." I say without looking up from my test. Someone knocks on the door "Excuse me professor?" the teacher goes to the door while Chanel talked on her phone "Hi it's Chanel. Yes, thank you so much." I see the professor point in Chanel's direction, the cop walks up to her "Chanel Oberlin? You are under arrest for the murder of Ms. Agatha Bean." they take her out of the room and I follow outside and stand by the other Chanels as we watched Chanel get put in a cop car and she looks back at us.

"Ah, I'm glad you're all here." Grace says walking in with Pete to see the rest of the house fake eating at the dining room table "It's lunchtime. Where else would we fake eat?" #3 asks "Now that Chanel is finally under arrest we can start doing things the way we want around here. And the first matter of business should be to find our kidnapped sister Zayday." Grace tells us "Actually as Chanel's best friend I'm in charge and Number Three is my co president." I tell her "And you can sum up my viewpoint on this with one word-indifference." #3 adds "Guys Zayday is out there. Probably getting tortured right now. We are her only hope." Pete says "Look, I'm all for not being tortured or killed or whatever, but don't you think a girl who wants to be president of this house should be able to prove her abilities by escaping from the lair of a psychopath?" Hester asks. "That has nothing to do with being sorority president." Grace tells her "Actually, in this sorority, it would be a pretty powerful campaign platform." Sam says "Sometimes in order for a person to achieve their full potential, they have to do things on their own." Hester finishes "Are you guys seriously going to desert our friend like this?" Grace asks. I slam my hands on the table and stand up "I am in charge here! Need I remind you that there is a curfew on this campus and this house is already on Dean Munsch's poop list? What do you think is going to happen if she catches us all out checking every closet and killer's lair for Zayday?" I ask "She'll finally have ground to kick us all off campus. How do you think making all of us getting expelled is protecting us?" #3 asks "Now please leave. It's time for the entree." I tell them, #3 lifts a cover from the plate and inhales.

Later Chanel #3 and Sam bail Chanel out of prison, Hester and I tell Chanel a lie about #5, Chanel gets mad and sends #5 to light the pumpkins but it only ends up in the death of Dodger. "Okay ho-bags, tonight we cast our votes for the next president of Kappa house." Chanel announces as #3 and 5 walk in with a wooden box and a jar of marbles "Don't we need Grace and Zayday to be here for us to vote?" Jennifer asks "According to Kappa bylaws written over 175 years ago just before the War of Northern Aggression, the president can call for an election at any time and for any reason." Chanel stated as #3 held up a rule book "It looks like you just crossed some stuff out and wrote that in marker." Sam said pointing at the rule causing #3 to slam the book closed "This has been the worst night of my life. My pumpkin patch was canceled because one of those idiot twins decided he'd rather get killed than keep boning Number Five..." Chanel got cut off by an upset #5 "Okay, can we talk about that for a second? Because it just happened a few hours ago, and I'm still really traumatized." she asks. "What about me? I have to live with the fact that no one got to see how awesome my maze was and that I've done nothing to stop the spread of Black Hairy Tongue Disease. I need some cheering up right now. And if that means rigging an election so that I can be president again, I expect you all to be my friends and accept that. Everybody grab two marbles. You drop a white marble in the box for me and a black one for Zayday. Let the voting begin." we grab two marbles before we hear a voice. "Not so fast." we look towards the doorway to see Zayday "You're alive." Sam says "Damn straight I'm alive. Can't be the next president of this joint if I'm dead." Zayday walks to #3's spot on the chair "Excuse me darling, I'm exhausted. Thank you." #3 sits by Jennifer "May I have a Diet Coke please? On the rocks. Actually, make it regular-I've been through a lot." Zayday sits down. "Is Grace with you? No. Good then we can still vote." Chanel states "Wait, we need to hear what happened to you." Hester says "The Red Devil kidnapped me and took me to his evil lair. He kept me in a pit.". I furrowed my eyebrows "Did he dig the pit himself?" I ask "How should I know?" she replied "Just wondering where you find a house with a pit. The market for them would be pretty limited." I say "Did you escape or did kill him? Because if you did you need to tell us all of the details, including what his eyes looked like when he took his last breath. They say that in that moment, the soul tells all of its secrets." Hester says "No they don't-no one says that." Chanel tells her "Yes they do." Hester argues. "This story is boring unless it involves him torturing you." Chanel tells Zayday "He didn't do anything to me at all. Except send me down little treats in a basket. Uh, a Nintendo game, Kiehl's products. It was actually quiet lovely. Then suddenly, a ladder came down. I climbed up, and what I saw made my blood run cold" she goes on to tell us that the Red Devil had set up a dinner date with her favorite food and then she stabbed the Red Devil's hand and escaped. "Wait a second, the Red Devil is in love with you? Okay that is so unfair, because it literally took me like, three years here for a guy to even look at me." #5 complained "Wait, if he ran from there, then you know where he lives. We need to call the police." Sam said "No kitty puncher, that can wait. We need to vote now before Grace shows up and makes it harder for me to win. We are all very impressed by your alleged escape from the Red Devil. I, for one think we should take this tall tale into account when we vote. I don't believe a word of it, and I would have a really hard time casting my vote for a liar." Chanel tells her. Then the door closes "She's telling the truth. I was there. I saw the pit and everything." Grace says running in, Zayday gets up and they hug "My god Zayday, I am so glad you're okay. We went to rescue you, but you'd already escaped." Grace tells her "Aw, thanks for trying, but you know you shouldn't worry about me. I'm like black Die Hard." Zayday responds "Ugh, fine, you didn't lie-or you're both lying-I don't care. I can't believe Deaf Taylor Swift and Number Two are dead and you two are still alive. Now if you're done, grab some marbles. It's time to vote."


	5. Seven Minutes In Hell

After everyone voted, Jennifer pulled out the drawer of the box to count the marbles "All right so remind me again. It's black for Zayday, white for Chanel?" she asked us "Obv. Do you think you can handle that? I only gave you the job of tallying the votes because I thought you Rain Man types were super good at counting. Or are you one of those idiot savants who's heavy on the idiot, light on the savant?" Chanel asked her. "I am neither thank you very before the Psychoanalytic Society of America decided there was money to be made by creating what they called the autism spectrum. I would have been considered a daydreamer or quirky, like a young Zooey Deschanel. I am not an idiot or a moron. I am simply a victim of my times." Jennifer told us but mostly Chanel. I looked down at her pants then back at her face "Are you aware that you pants are on backwards?" I ask her making her look down at her pants "Start counting the damn votes." Chanel said to her. "Wait what happens if it's a tie?" Grace asked her while Jennifer counted out the marbles "It's never happened before but Kappa bylaws state that the two of them would rule together." #3 tells her. "It's a tie." Jennifer told us, Zayday and Grace started to celebrate "I know it's not ideal, but I think you and I would make great co-presidents." Zayday told Chanel "What? No, I'm not gonna be co-president with a pledge! Farty McCandleWax clearly miscounted the votes!" Chanel told her angrily. "Calm down Chanel, it's not Farty's fault." Grace said to her "Then who's fault is it? It's not my fault my pumpkin patch was canceled. It's not my fault that some people didn't vote for me because there too intimidated by my hotness. It's not my fault that because someone is killing Kappas I didn't have time too individually bribe each and every one of you to vote for me. No. Clearly there is only one person to blame for all of this. Number five." Chanel looked at #5 "Wait what?" she replied confused. "I hate all of you for letting me down tonight, but Number Five, I hate you the most. I know it's on me that I chose idiots and weirdos to be my minions, but you are by far the most idiotic and the most weird and, so I blame you more than any of them for not finding a way to ensure I retained my presidency tonight." Chanel told her standing up from her spot then waling to the stairs. "Chanel come on, let's talk this through." Zayday told her trying to workit out "No! I am never talking about anything ever again! I hate you all!" Chanel yelled at us stomping up the stairs then slamming her door. The Chanels and I walked into her closet to hear her crying on the second floor of her closet, "Hey, yeah super sorry about what happened down there." #3 said to her, Chanel laughed while turning around to face us "Why are you laughing?" #5 asked her "Because you leg humpers, I voted for Zayday. I wanted her to win." she replied to her. "What about that fit you threw down there?" #5 asked again "Brilliant performance I know. I've had too develop some serious acting skills to have sex with Chad." she replied again "So... you're not mad at me?" #5 asked her "Oh, I meant everything I said about you. I still think you're useless. I'm just not sad about it. You see I've learned a few things from watching A&E documentaries about the Mafia. The most important being, aside from to never trust anyone especially those closest to you, you never ever want to be the boss in a time of extreme crises. As soon as you become the boss, you get a target on your back, from the Feds, the other families, ambitious underlings. Sure seems like you have all the power, but you also take on the most risk. Being president of Kappa House when there is a killer hunting down sisters of Kappa House means you're the top target." Chanel stood in front of us while continuing "I was actually hoping one of you bitches would betray me and vote for her so she could win the whole thing, but this works out even better. Because when I go down and make peace with her and her pasty friend, I'm gonna look like a skinnier Angelina Jolie." She finished looking at her self in the mirror. "Wait so this whole thing, the pumpkin patch, the fight against Black Hairy Tongue was all an elaborate plan too set up Zayday to be killed?" #3 asks in disbelief "I like to think of it more as an elaborate plan to save a life, mine. Oh don't judge me for trying to stay alive. We all know you've been cozying up to Predatory Lez because you think she knows karate." Chanel says walking up to #3. "I just like hanging out with her. She's cool to talk to. She knows a lot about... stuff." she tells her, "Are you going lesbian Number 3? Because while I get that Lezzie Pledge is kind of cute in a "if Bruce Lee were a DJ" kind of way, I don't think we should be having sex with pledges." I tell her with my Chanel side coming out making #3 glare at me. "Now, if you'll follow me, I would like to implement phase two of my "Chanel Dies Last" plan." Chanel tells us taking the basement key out of the drawer and walking out of the room with us following behind. "Zayday, this is the key to the storage room. Where we keep our tampon backstock in case of a nuclear war and all of our secrets. It's the most holy room in the house and only the president has the key. I want you too have it." she held out the key "What's your game here? I trust you about as far as I can throw you." Zayday responded to her. "No game. I may be a stone cold bitch, but I love Kappa and I want it to survive these challenging times. So if you think you can do a better job than I can, then I say let's give the Zayday Administration a chance. Sisters and anyone else who might be listening, I present to you the acting president of Kappa Kappa Tau, Zayday something!" Chanel announced "Williams. But that'll do." Zayday replied smirking while holding the key.

We all sat in the living room with me sitting next to #5 when Zayday and Chanel walked to the front "Can I have ya'll's attention? Kappa House is having a slumber party!" she said excitedly "What? Ew. Gross. No." I said with a disgusted tone "Yes, it's gonna be great. Look we're gonna lock ourselves in, play some games, get cozy..." She tells us "What are you talking about?! No we are not ten!" Chanel yells at her. "Shut up Chanel. It's a great idea. A slumber party sounds fun. Let's play spin the bottle." #3 tells her then smirking at Sam "What?" Chanel says in disbelief "You heard me, I wanna play spin the bottle. We're doing it." #3 says raising her monotone voice a little. "What'd I tell you? Someone always goes lesbian." Zayday says to us "Uh, yeah, well spin the bottle sounds great, I guess, but don't you think a rousing game of truth or dare would be way more fun to play first?" Grace says to her not loving the crazy Chanel's idea. "No." #3 replies sharply "No?" Grace says back "We're having a slumber party and before we do anything else we're playing spin the damn bottle. Let's vote. All those in favor of a slumber party." #3, Sam, Zayday and Jennifer raise their hands "There. It's decided. We're having a slumber party, okay? Everyone get in your PJs and be down here by 5:00 okay?" Zayday smiles then walks away. "Why spin the bottle? There aren't any Dickies here!" Chanel and I yell as everyone walks up the stairs. At 5 we all sit in a circle around a round table with a Kappa bottle in the middle, Chanel spins it first only for it to land on Jennifer "Nope, not doing this. I don't understand why we're playing spin the bottle. There are exactly zero wangers here." she says from her spot between Hester and I. " Chanel I will act as a proxy and kiss Candle Vlogger so that you don't have to." Hester then kisses Jennifer "You taste like wax." she states "You taste good to." Jennifer replies to her as they pull back. "My turn. It's my turn. There I just spun it." #3 tells us then closing her eyes, the bottle lands on Grace making her eyes widen "Re-spin. New rule: you can re-spin." #3 spins the bottle again but this time landing on Sam "Oh. Sam, I guess we have too kiss." then they kiss which was honestly the weirdest thing that I've seen "You're a great kisser." Sam tells her "Thanks. I guess you're okay." #3 responds. "We'll say it again. We don't know why we're doing this." Chanel and I say to everyone.

Chanel, #3, #5, Hester, and I sit in the kitchen eating cotton balls when Grace and Zayday walk in "What are you doing?" Zayday asks us "Well hello, Madam President. Making chocolate covered peanuts for Chanel's special s'mores." Chanel responds to them. "But those are packing peanuts. That doesn't seem healthy." Grace says looking at the table "Uh, yeah, cuts the calorie content in like half." I tell her. Jennifer and Sam walk in "Why are you two back without any ice?" Chanel asks them "We have a problem. All the doors are locked solid." Sam tells her "Windows too. Upstairs and down." Jennifer says after her. We all start running around the house checking the windows and doors "There're right we're trapped." Hester says distressed "Wait you guys, I think I know what this is. It's probably my dad, he's been getting on me to stay inside where it's safe and I'm pretty sure he did this because I didn't listen." Grace tells us as we sit down in the living room. "He sounds like a awful parent." #3 replies back "He's overprotective, but I'm telling you there's nothing to worry about." Grace finishes "Of course it's something too worry about. It's not your dad and his 1986 Miami Vice five o'clock shadow. It was the killer." Chanel says walking in and sitting down "But guys, how did he lock every window and every door without us noticing?" Zayday asks us. "He must have hacked into the fail safe security system I had installed." Chanel says to us making us look at her "One recent stormy night Chad and I watched Panic Room on Netflix, and Chad was like "You totally need one of those.". But Jodie Foster's was small and gross so I decided to have the whole house turned into a panic room." she finishes. "But wait doesn't that mean that there's some sort of switch somewhere too deactivate it?" Grace asks her "Yes theoretically, but the guy said the kill switch was on back order and he'd have to install it in a couple of weeks." Chanel explains, "Guys I am freaking out! I hate being trapped in small spaces." #5 tells us freaking out "Okay, this house is literally like 15,000 square feet." Grace responds to her. "There's only one reason why the killer would do something like this... to pick us off one by one. That's what I would do." Hester says as I widen my eyes "Guess it's just a matter of time before one of us or all of us ends up dead." Jennifer adds on, then the light cut off making us scream.

Chanel paced around the house while everyone watched but made me pace around with her "You're a go for Chad Radwell." I heard from the other end on her phone "Chad it's me Chanel." she replied "Well, well, well. Isn't this a coincidence, I was just headed over to Kappa House to steal some of your panties." he replies making me furrow my eyebrows. "Oh, Chad that's so amazing. I love you so much. But Chad listen, you have to help us. We're trapped in the house and the power went out and my phone is the only one that's working because I'm pretty sure the killer knocked down a cell tower or something." She explains "Wait, well, then why does yours work?" He asks her "Because mine's a satellite phone. Elon Musk gave it to me. It's designed for space travel. My dad is super gross rich Chad." She tells him. "I know that's my favorite thing about you baby. Look Chanel, before I come and save you and whatnot I got to get some things off my chest. A, I had sex with the dean." He tells her "What?" she says angrily "Look I'm prepared to say I'm sorry I did that. What I'm not prepared to do is say the sex was bad. Because it was not. Oh, I also hooked up with the security guard." she gets a sad look on her face "Officer Hemphill?" she asks him "Yeah. Yeah, I'm not gonna apologize." He tells her. "Chad I'm about too get murdered so can you please just hang up and get over here?" Chanel asked "Chad Radwell is on the way." He tells her "I love you Chad." Chanel tells him "Hello?" she asks after a long pause "I... love you too sort of." He replies getting laughs in the background. Chanel and I go upstairs to wait for Chad to get here when he climbs up a latter with a baseball bat under his arm, "Oh Chad you've come for me. Save me and I'm yours forever." Chanel says to him as he get to the top. "Uh... I'm not really sure if I'm ready for that level of commitment." He tells her looking down the ladder "Chad please I'm trapped in the house with a killer. Break the glass!" I yell at him "Not until she takes back what she said." he tells me. Chanel looks at me as I nod then she looks back at Chad "Fine just save me Chad!" she replies to him aggravated "And?" he raises his eyebrows "And I'm your for an amount of time you feel is appropriate." she finishes. He winks at her "Stand back fair maidens, Chad's about to be a hero." we step back then he breaks the glass with his bat and climbs into the house "Oh Chad!" Chanel kisses him then he walks to the now broken window. "Whoa Red Devil! Get up here now! Go, go, go, go, go. Climb. Red Devil coming in hot! He's moving." Chad says to the rest of the boys who are now climbing the ladder except Caulfield who has no arms, "Hurry Caulfield. You climb, you armless bastard!" Chad yells out to him as we all watch from the window. "Chad no that's the only phone we have!" I yell at him as he throws Chanels phone outside "Tonight is not the night Caulfield Mount Herman dies!" Caulfield says until the Red Devil pulls the ladder to the ground making him fall with it, "What do we do now?" Earl says from behind me "The only thing we can do giving him the dignity of watching him die." Chad replies. The Devil takes out an ax swinging it around before stabbing it into Caulfield's stomach as we all scream "He's good, he's good." Chad says to us before the Devil stabs it into his stomach a second time, he the puts the blade by his head before swinging it off leaving Caulfield's body headless and we all scream and I run down stairs.

"All right you guys, it's time to play a game of truth or dare." Zayday says walking into the living room with Grace as we all stood there. "Just saying now would be the time to play spin the bottle. We finally have some Dickies here." Chanel tells us "Someone in this house knows something about the murder that they're not telling us, and I intend too find out what." Grace says to everyone. "Okay here's how the game works. When it's your turn you have a choice of truth or dare. If you chose truth you have too tell the truth, and if you choose dare... I don't know maybe you're hiding something." Zayday finishes and everyone sits down "But wouldn't you just lie? I mean if I were the killer I'd pick truth and then just lie." Jennifer states. "Uh well, the game's not truth or dare or lie. Just truth or dare. If you wanna lie you can just pick dare." Chad tells her while Chanel nods "No, you'd pick truth and then you lie." Jennifer replies to him "Uh, no, you can't lie. That's the... that's the whole point of truth or dare. You can't lie." He told her "But," she started "I'm sorry the game's pretty damn simple! Okay? It's truth or dare all right? If you pick truth you have to tell the truth. If you pick dare it's gonna be really suspicious, and I'm gonna think you had something with my sweet bro Boone dying and my rad friend Caulfield getting his arms... and then his head chopped off!" Chad yells at her. "And Dodger." Rodger told him "Will you stop wining about Dodger?! Everybody agrees that dude was holding you back. Nobody misses him. Now let's play some truth or dare and find out who the killer is." Chad finishes. We then start the game "Number Five, truth or dare?" Chanel asks her "Truth." she says back to her "Okay Number Five, does your vagina have teeth?" #5 chokes on her drink before responding "That's insane. No it doesn't Chanel." she replies "I thought she wasn't allowed to lie?" Chanel asks looking around the room. "I'm not lying. My vagina doesn't have teeth." #5 tells her "Can I rephrase the question? Does your vagina still have teeth?" Chanel asks her once again "No! The answer is no!" #5 yells at her as Rodger puts his hand on her shoulder "No it no longer has teeth so it used to have teeth but you got them removed?" Chanel asks "No I didn't." #5 replies to her "So your vagina still has teeth? Which one is it Number Five? Sounds like your're trapped in a web of lies." Chanel tells her then #5 get up from the couch and walks out "You're forfeiting your turn bitch." Chanel yells after her. "Um, okay, I guess it's my turn then. Sam, truth or dare?" I ask her "Truth." she replies to me "What's #3's deepest, darkest secret?" I ask looking at #3 "Her deepest darkest secret is... Her father is Charles Manson." she said but #3 said "I have weird sexy feelings for Sam." I looked at them confused "What?" Grace asked "Hold on what did you just say?" Zayday asks them "I have weird sexy feelings for Sam." #3 hesitated "What did you just say?" Zayday asks pointing to Sam "Her father is Charles Manson." Sam answers back. "Okay, can I just say that Number 3 is defiantly the killer." Chad says pointing to her "No I'm not! You promised you wouldn't tell." #3 says back angrily to Chad then Sam "I'm sorry I had to tell the truth." Sam said reaching for her hand but #3 pulling away "Of course you're the killer. You're dad's Charles Manson dude. If you're not the killer you should probably, you know give it a shot. I think you'd be pretty good at it." Chad tells her "Thanks. My turn, Sam truth or dare?" #3 asks "I just went." Sam replies "Truth or dare!" #3 yells at her "Dare." Sam replies "I dare you to go down to thee creepy Kappa House basement where we keep our deepest darkest secreats, and take a little nap in the bathroom." #3 tells her. We all get quiet as we hear the punishment "Fine." Sam says getting up from the couch "Yes! Bathtub naps. This is getting good. Okay guys I propose we take a little break you know, take a whiz, get a refill. Bro grab my phone, there's a playlist I put together called "Douche" I want you to call that up on the Bluetooth speakers so we can get our dance on." Chad tells Rodger. When the playlist is put on "Tubthumping" comes on and we all start to dance except Grace who shakes her head and #3 and Sam who go down to the basement.

"As Kappa House co president I think I can speak for everyone when I say we've all been through hell. So I propose we treat ourselves to a little heaven. Seven Minutes in Heaven. I go first, and I pick Chad." Chanel says and Earl and I look at each other "Wait no hold on. The whole point of this slumber party was to figure out who the killer is." Grace said to her. "Oh give it a rest Nancy Drew. Whatever your plan was, it isn't working. So if you'll excuse me for seven minutes, I'm gonna ask my boyfriend Chad Radwell to dial "O" on my pink telephone. Chad would you like to pat the little man in the canoe?" Chanel asks him then walks off while Grace and I scrunch our faces in disgust. Seven minutes later they come out and #5 and Rodger go in when we here a scream coming from the basement. We walk down there to find Hester standing over Sam's dead body "I came to see if Sam needed anything but she doesn't because she's dead!" Hester yells at us "Dude, she looks like prepackaged meat from the supermarket." Chad tells us as we look at the body. "Chanel #3 is standing right here, show some respect." Zayday tells him "We weren't dating." #3 replies to Zayday. "Wait if she's dead and all the doors are locked from the outside, that means the killer is in the house." I tell them "Oh god, has someone checked on the kids?" Jennifer asked talking about the candles. "The killer is standing right in front of us. Pretty convenient that you're the one who found the body." Chanel said walking towards Hester "I would be offended by that accusation Chanel if I wasn't so honored that you were think about me." Hester replied back to her "You can knock off the "neck brace in headlights" act. You're the darkest bitch of them all. Number 3 told me that you were the one who turned me into the police." Chanel accused her "Those are some serious accusations and they make no sense. Considering everything that I've seen and done for you here Chanel, , Number Two. I would be opening myself up to a lot of trouble if I were to turn you into the authorities." Hester explained to her. "It doesn't do us any good to start accusing each other with no evidence. But it is pretty suspicious that you're the one who found her Hester." Grace said "Okay, I understand. I suggest that we just have someone stand guard and watch me for the rest of the night or until someone else dies, therefore proving that I am not the killer. I nominate Chad." Hester stated. Chanel snapped her head to Hester "Screw that Evil Harrington. We're locking you upstairs in my closet until we can find a way out of here." Chanel finishes. After we leave the basement we hear another scream but coming from #5 "I tried to scream but nothing came out!" #5 tells us when we see Rodger. "And then he was just gone. The Red Devil shot Rodger in the head with the nail gun, and then he just disappeared!" #5 says to us while Chad cried over the body, "Okay here's what we know. One, Number Five is a psychopath who no one likes. Two, she went in the closet to play seven minutes in heaven with her boyfriend, and then he ends up dead! Clearly Chanel #5 is the killer!" I yell at everyone as Chanel nods in agreement. "But when the Dickie Dollars got attacked and Caulfield got his arms chopped off... there were two Devils. Dos Diablos." Chad tells me "Okay, fine. Hester is one of the killers, and the other is Chanel #5. Even though I firmly believe the psychotic twin duo of Number 5 and Number Seven are the killers... I have a pressing question for Haggie Gyllenhaal. Isn't it interesting that Aspen and I's former stalker and your current boyfriend Pete isn't here tonight?" Chanel asks Grace. "He told me he was studying tonight. He did he told me he was studying." Grace repeats after earning a groan from Zayday "Interesting. That's all I'm gonna say. Interesting." Chanel finishes, then a door opens inside of the closet "Oh dudes there is a trapdoor with like a tunnel system." Chad says while looking into the whole. "See Chanel? I wasn't lying." #5 tells her "But wait, there are secret tunnels in this house perfect for a killer to use and you neglected to tell us? That's a little suspicious." Zayday accuses looking at Chanel "Okay, look. We are loosing sight of the big picture here. Chanel couldn't have killed Rodger because she was with us when it happened, none of us killed him. While Chanel #5 and Rodger were in the closet we were all together, which means none of us did it." Grace concludes her statement. "I'm going down there." Zayday says while walking to the trapdoor "Are you crazy?! The Red Devil could still be in the house. Both of the Red Devils could still be in the house." Grace says tring to stop her "Look this house is sealed up right? Doors and windows locked. So if none of us is the killer that tunnel is how the Red Devil got in. That also means that it's our way out." Zayday explains "I'm not going down there. I do not dig on cobwebs, and I'm guessing there are loads of cobwebs down there." Chad told us. "I'm going with her. We're co-presidents of this house and responsible for what happens under this roof." Chanel announces, Chad steps forward "Chanel, if you get murdered in those tunnels I promise I will never bang anyone harder than I banged you." He told her "Chad..." Chanel started "Let's do this." Zayday said rushing her "I love you." Chanel told him then walking to the trapdoor behind Zayday "Oh... you're so rich and hot." Chad tells her as she goes down the stairs.

The next morning after Chanel and Zayday came back they told us what happened in the tunnels and how they were attacked by the devil. While #3 and 5 were in the bathroom and everyone was downstairs in the living room where a detective and Grace's dad was I was in my room talking to Gigi, "I mean he just broke broke up with me. I'm rich and hot and super smart, I have it all. What did I do wrong?" I said while crying to her. "I don't think you did anything wrong." she responded while rubbing my back "You know I think I could help you out." I move away from her "Ew, no I'm not a lesbian." she sighs at my response "No I didn't mean like that." I furrow my eyebrows "Oh, okay, continue." the she explains her plan to me and I agree and decide to help her. "You know I thought you were just some stupid chick that was stuck in the 90's era, but you're actually pretty smart." I tell her "Thanks, I think." she says confused so I shrug at her response. Later that night we all gather in the living room with only candles as our lighting "Pledges and sisters of Kappa House thanks to me, you've all survived yet another attack from the Red Devil killer. Once again, death came to Kappa House, and once again that death while tragic, has brought us all closer together. I even kind of like Zayday now. And I got gifts." Chanel tells us motioning to the table that was filled with tan boxes with blue bows. Once we open them we see pink nun chucks "Giant, pink chopsticks." Jennifer said while holding them "No. there custom made pink nunchaku. If I can impart anything on you slits over the course of this year, it's that Kappas don't take any crap from anyone." Chanel tells us, I looked around the room too see #3 licking the nun chucks and #5 putting them around her neck and I rolled my eyes. "Guys I joined this sorority to feel close to my mom, to get a taste of the sisterhood that she was so inspired by. And after last night I really feel it. I'm with you guys no matter what." Grace said to us making Zayday give her a side hug "Thank you for that announcement that no one cared about. Now I pledge that from this night on, we will not loose any more of our sisters." Chanel announced "How are you gonna do that?" #5 asked her "We are gonna take the fight to him. I will not rest until we have the Red Devil or Red Devils heads on spikes on the front lawn of this house." Chanel continued. "Well that's all well and good, but we all know that it was my slumber party idea that made this whole "We Are the World Hands Across America" stuff happen. And we never got to appropriately finish said party. Now, I don't know about you guys, but in O-Town no slumber party is finished without a kick ass dance party." Zayday announces playing "I Melt With You", "Kappa!" Hester screams holding up her nun chucks as everyone but me dances as I look at the Red Devil standing outside our window and smirk then walking out of the room.


	6. Beware of Young Girls

Chanel #2's body was found a couple days later, her parents went on a cruise to celebrate, and now I'm at an open casket funeral. I went to the casket after #5 "I'm so sorry you died, and that we stuffed your body in a freezer. Also I took your all of your choker's." I thought dropping a white rose in the casket and then walking away to sit by #3. "Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today because a backstabbing little bitch got what was coming to her. Chanel #2 literally never had my back. Whenever I wanted to strut across campus or down a long hallway with the other Chanels, she'd always be like "I have a colonic!". So instead of strutting across campus in a beautiful diamond formation, we were forced to strut across campus in a triad formation like a bunch of hobos, because Number Two didn't think she should have to walk behind me. But whenever I find myself descending a stair case in heels, you can bet Number Two was right there behind me with a helpful little nudge." Chanel told us as she was making her "speech". "This dumb dead whore also used her high ponied wiles to seduce my man into rubbing uglies with her." The Chanels and I looked at Chad who was sitting in the front row "So I hope you all grasp the concept that this is what happens when you rub uglies with my man, you end up dead! So have fun being dead Number Two. You were a stupid, little trollop, and I hope you're burning in Hell right now. Amen." Chanel finishes "Amen!" she says again looking back at the two guys positioned behind the casket making them close it. "Now, I'd like to invite you all out to the driveway to the mobile crematorium for some light refreshments, courtesy of our friends at . Thank you." Chanel finished then walking behind the guys who were carrying out the casket.

Later that night we all walked into Chanels room "Chanel, are you in here?" #3 asked knocking on the closet door "Go away!" Chanel yelled back "We just wanted to make sure you're okay." I told her when we walked in. "We think it be a good idea for you to open up and talk things out." #5 said as we went around the table to find Chanel, "There's nothing left to talk about. Number Two's soul is rotting in Hell and her remains have been cremated and are on their way to Cape Canaveral!" Chanel told us as we looked down at her on the floor eating a box of thin mint cookies. "I just can't stop thinking about Number Two and Chad having sex." #5 said after her making Chanel roll her eyes "I just find it so shocking that Chanel #2 would betray you like that" Hester said to Chanel making us both roll out eyes "Do you?" I asked her "Do you find it so shocking? Because you also tried to have sex with Chad Number Seven. And you tried to frame me for murder! I mean, I went to jail because of you!" Chanel yelled at her. "I am so sorry Chanel. I promise to never betray your trust again." Hester said begging for her forgiveness "You most certainly won't betray my trust ever again, because you will never have my trust ever again!" Chanel yelled once again. "Look we think that you need to contact Number Two, and just give her a chance to do right by you." I tell Chanel "What the hell are you talking about?! How?!" She responded "Well, I found this old talking board in the basement." #5 told her while pulling out an Ouija board "Those things don't work." Chanel sighed after her. "Yes they do. Didn't you see the movie?" Hester asked her "The movie Ouija? No! No one did!" Chanel responded "Tonight we're having a Chanel night, where we heal all wounds among the Chanels both living and dead. We'll order in some duck sauce for our cotton balls and contact Chanel #2 so she can prove to you that she's sorry. What do you say?" #3 asked making Chanel shrug in response. We all sat around the Ouija board in the living room, "This board looks evil." Chanel tells us "What are you talking about it has two dancing demons, a dead old lady, and cute little pentagrams." #5 said trying the lift the mood. "Okay, so how is this supposed to work?" Chanel asked looking at #3 "We all put our hands on this thing called a planchette and promise not to move it. Chanel #2's spirit will move it after we contact her." #3 tells us. "What id Chanel #2 is busy getting Eiffel-Towered by Hitler and Satan?" Chanel asked "Let's just try it okay?" I tell her. We then all put two fingers on the planchette "Chanel #2... It's Chanels 1, 3, 5, 6, and 7 contacting you from beyond the grave... Are you there Chanel #2...? Are you there...?" #3 asked dragging out some of the words. Then the planchette began to move around the board Oh my god it's working!" Hester said excitedly "We have to ask her a question only she would know the answer to." #5 told us "Got it. Chanel #2, does Chanel #5's vagina have teeth?" Chanel asked smirked. "You can't ask her that!" #5 gasped, the planchette then to moved over to yes on the board I looked up and smirked "It's her. Also I love this thing." Chanel said. "Okay, what should we ask her next?" I ask them, but the planchette moved again "Are you moving it?" Chanel asked us "No are you?" #3 asked "No are you? Hester asked next "I'm not moving it." #5 responded "Uh, what's it spelling?" I asked them. "C... H... A... D. Chad" #3 said after spelling out the the letters "Chad?" Chanel said worried "I... S... Is." #3 continues "Chad is..." #5 put the two words together "Chad is cheating." she finished after #2 spelled out the last word "On- On you." Hester finished. "No, that-that can't be true. He promised he'd be monogamous." Chanel said not believing it "It's..." #5 said as the planchette moved again "True." #3 finished "It's not true! Chad promised! Chanel Number 2 is screwing with me from beyond the grave!" Chanel yelled upset standing up "Well everyone in this room sit up and take notice. I am going to prove that bitch wrong!" Chanel yelled once more then walking out of the room.

The next day I was in Koffee Klatch when I went to go to the bathroom when a hand covered my mouth and I was and pulled into the janitors closet. When the light turned on I saw it was Boone I sighed "What do you want? I came here to get coffee not to have a secret conversation with you in a dirty closet." I asked him already getting impatient, "I just need to talk to you. What happened at #2's funeral?" He asked me. I rolled my eyes "Chanel made a super boring speech about how bitchy #2 was, how she slept with Chad and that she hopes #2 is burning in hell for what she did." I told him recalling the horrible speech that was made "Is that all?" he asked me once again. "Yes it is can I go now? I have two Mocha Lattes to get for Chanel and I, and a scolding hot Early Gray Tea to get for Earl to throw in his face. And I would like to get them now if you don't please." I tell him, he start's to open the door before looking back at me "Just don't make people suspicious." then he walks out. Later that night the Chanels and I all sat in the living room again around the Ouija board, "Chanel #2, we're contacting you from beyond the grave. Again. Are you there Chanel #2?" #3 asked, the planchette moved over Hello. "Hi. Chanel #2, it's Chanel. I've frickin' had it with you! Thanks a bunch for lying and saying that Chad was cheating on me with a goat, when in reality he has a disability and needs healthful, lactose-free goat's milk." Chanel said to #2's spirit "Technically, she just said that he was cheating, but she never said anything about a goat." #5 told Chanel. "Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to a dead girl!" Chanel yelled at her "Chanel #2 if this is really you, use you're magical dead powers to tell me how many tampons I have in my purse." Hester asked, the planchette moved to the number 9 making us take our fingers off "Oh my god! She is right. She is right." Hester says taking 9 tampons out of her purse "Why do you have nine tampons? How big is your cooch?" I ask her, she looks at me while talking the tampons off the table and shoving them back in her bag. We all put out fingers back on "Chanel #2, if it's really you, use your special dead telepathy to answer a question no one knows the answer to but me. When I was two what breakfast cereal did I accidentally breath into my lungs and nearly die?" #3 asked, the plancheete moved around the board Oh my god it's moving." #3 said, "I...X..." it spelled "Dix? You chocked on Dix?" Chanel asked "Kix! I chocked on Kix." #3 yelled at her "It's real. She knew." she finished. "Okay, guys, I really think we should stop because this is really, really freaking me out." #5 whined "No hooker! We're not stopping." I told her "If this really is Chanel #2 then she'll know the answer to the real question. Chanel #2, who's killing everybody?" Chanel asked, the planchette moved to spell you, "She says you are." #3 tells her. "That's it! I am done with this dead, lying bitch! I'm done with you Number Two! Have fun in Hell going to diner with Osama bin Laden." Chanel yelled then walking out of the room.

I went down stairs to get her Prunex when I heard #3 say something about thinking of something and it was a great idea "Think of what? What's a great idea" I ask them making them turn around "Nothing Aspen, we were just talking about throwing a sugar party." Hester tells me "Oh where everyone just eats bowls of sugar? Yeah I love those." I tell them walking to the cabinets, I knew that wasn't what they were talking about but I decided to play along. "Has anyone seen Chanel's Prunex? She's not feeling well." I ask them while looking though the cabinet "What's Prunex?" #5 asks me "It's a liquid laxative Number Five! Some of us with souls, who aren't friendless psychopaths, find that the stress of having a mass-murderer on campus makes them slightly irregular." I tell her "Now I'm taking some Prunex to Chanel and I'm going to bed!" I say turning around to find the laxative "Here it is. Hmm. Good night sluts." I tell them closing the cabinet then walking back upstairs to Chanel. "Thank you Aspen. I knew I could count on you." She tells me taking the Prunix out of my hand "Your welcome. Also I think the other Chanels are planing something." I told her making her sigh "Okay, goodnight slut." "Goodnight Chanel." I respond walking out of her room. The next morning Chanel had the Chanels and I sit in the living room while we waited for her "I'me gonna cut to the chase. I know what you three are up to. Your plotting to murder me." Chanel said to number 3, 5, and 7 "What? No!" #5 responded "Chanel ,that's insane." #3 told her "I would sooner kill my own mother." Hester defended. "Can it manatees! I know the truth because I'm smarter than all of you. What I'm curious about is what, exactly, is taking so long?" Chanel asked them "We couldn't agree on how to do it." #3 told her "Shh!" #5 said "Shut up Number 3." Hester told her "Well what method were you leaning towards?" Chanel asked them "We were gonna put rat poison in your Prunex. But I was worried you'd taste it and know you'd been poisoned and run to the hospital." #3 explains. "See this is why you turdlets need me. You're not even competent enough to kill one lousy sorority co-president. News flash felchers: rat poison only works because rodents don't have a gag reflex. If you gave a human rat poison they would immediately puke it all up, so not only would I have survived your attempt on my life, it would have also made me skinnier." Chanel finished "I'm so sorry Chanel." Hester told her "It was stupid to try to murder you." #3 said quietly "We only did it because we thought you were the killer!" #5 said after them. Chanel sighed "I'm willing to let bygones be bygones and chalk this attempted murder up to youthful enthusiasm. And I'm sorry too. You're not the only ones who think I could be a better leader. Chanel #2 appeared to me last night in a Prunex fever dream and said essentially the same thing. So in an effort to buy back your friendship, I got you all presents." Chanel told us walking over to four hat boxes giving them to us. We opened them up to find pink Nancy Drew hats "We are gonna use these Nancy Drew looking sleuthing hats and enormous magnifying glasses and catch the killer as a team." Chanel explained to us as we put the hats on and played with the magnifying glasses "But they already caught the killer." Hester told her "Trust me, that Feather didn't kill anyone. She's too stupid. When I first met her she asked me what my name was and then asked me what her name was." I told them speaking up for the first time in this meeting. "Wait if Feather's not the killer, who is?" #3 asked "There are two killers, and their names are Grace and Zayday. I'll remind you that this killing spree started when those two walked into this house. There're trying to bring down this sorority and steal our hot, popular boyfriends. The five of us are gonna expose those sluts for the killers they are and restore order to Kappa Kappa Tau. Do I make myself clear you whores?" Chanel asked us "Good." she said when we didn't respond because we knew she was right. Later that night we watched Grace and Zayday walk through the door as they were talking and laughing and then they walked into the living room, we all looked at each other then continued to look down.


	7. Mommie Dearest

"I hope you fat heifers did your homework." Chanel told us as she walked in the living room "Zayday is the Killer, and that walking jawline, Grace what's-her-nuts is in on it. All this started when they walked in this house. I need them convicted, fried in the electric chair, and I want it now. I need to know what you found out. Go." she finished sitting in a chair then looking at Hester and I. "Okay Chanel, we have some grade-A intel. I was rooting through Zayday's drawers, and look what I found. Zayday is on the pill." Hester grasped after pulling out birth control pills. "That's not a clue." Chanel told her "But guess who else is on the pill? Grace. And if you look closely here, you can see that their cycles are sycnched." I tell her when I show them Grace's birth pills "And you know what else is synched? Their thirst for murder. I mean you know what they say. Those who pill together kill together." Hester finished. "No one, in all of human history, has ever said that." Chanel told her while Hester and I slammed the pills on the couch "Okay, I know for a fact that Zayday is the murderer and she's planning on killing again. If you rearrange the letters in Zayday Williams' name, you get..." #5 started pulling out a notebook as Chanel smiled "I may slay Liz Daw!" she finished making Chanel drop her smile. "What? Who is Liz Daw?!" Chanel questioned "I don't know. But clearly, Zayday is contemplating slaying her. If she's the next victim, we need to find her and help her." #5 explained to us. "All of these clues are terrible. I guess it's like Daddy always says: "If you want something done right, pay someone a lot of money to do it for you.". Now... why don't you all strap on some oat bags and go poop huge green turds in the street, like the sad old mares you are." Chanel said to us walking out .

Later #3 and I walked down the stairs to find Denise frying something in the kitchen frying something "What are you doing?" #3 and I ask her "Haven't you heard? I moved in. I live with you dumb hoes now." Denise told us then explaining how she got in. "No we mean what are you doing right now?" #3 asked once again as we stood on either side of Denise "I am frying up some mozzarella sticks. They are delicious and nutritious." she told us "You know a women's face got burned off in that, right?" I ask her with a blank look. "Wait hold on. Nobody changed the oil?" she asked "I doubt it. We don't really "eat" around here. I question why this house even has a kitchen." #3 tells her, we walk to the counter "Listen, I want to ask you a question. If you had all the money in the world, what would you do?" #3 asks Denise "I'd buy sandals." she tells her. "What? She said all the money in the world. Do you not own a pair of sandals?" I ask her with disbelief on my face "Not sandals. Sandals. That party island that's in all the TV commericals. I'd buy that, and then work there as a security guard." she tells us "Wait. You'd buy an island and then work on it?" #3 asks her. "Settle down. Just part time, okay? The rest of the time I'd lay around on that beach, drinking and looking sexy. Mmm! Oh and then I'd order the staff around. I'd be like "Hey, go on the other side of that island and get me a pineapple." And they'd be like, "Right away Ms. Hemphill, right away." Then I'd be like "Mm, don't worry about it. This pineapple here is just fine. I just wanted to see if you would do it Winston." she finished telling us her fantasy. "Listen... what would you say if we offered you a ridiculous amount of money if you could prove 100%that Zayday is the Red Devil?" I asked her "Well what you mean by "ridiculous"? Cause I can get pretty ridiculous." She responded "Close your eyes and picture the largest number you can imagine." #3 tells her. Denise closes her eyes "One million dollars." she tells us "That's seriously the largest number you can imagine?" #3 asks her "Three million dollars." Denise tells us once again "Okay fine." I say sighing and rolling my eyes "Listen... open your would you say if I told you we'd give you $3 million if you could prove Zayday is the killer?" I ask her "I would say "Denise Hemphill from Security Enforcement Solutions is on the case!" she tells us snapping her fingers, #3 smirks while touching her left earmuff and I look at her while smirking.

"All right ladies, I want to update you on my investigation into proving that Zayday Williams is the killer. I... got... nothing." Denise tells the Chanels and I making me roll my eyes "Excuse me?" Chanel asks "Except for the fact that she gave me and that weird candle girl some real bad stick eye, then told us to leave her alone. But that's all I got. My investigation has been lacking in the financial resources department. Right now, this whole thing has been funded out of my pocket. So I was wondering if I could get a little advance. Let's say ten percent of that three million?" she tells us hinting that she wanted more money "Fine. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my boyfriend Chad Radwell. Tonight's our Night of a Thousand Compliments Night." Chanel tells us standing up from her seat. "What does that mean?" #3 asked "We sit across from one another fully clothed and he compliments me a thousand times. Compliment Night is... sort of a work in progress." Chanel explains to us then walking out of the room. "Right, wait. That three-thousand dollars, how exactly am I gonna get that?" Denise asks Chanel as we follow them out of the room "I don't know call Bachmann, Selz & Selz. Their my family's money managers. Ask for Elaine she my point person." Chanel tells her as we follow down the stairs "Right, but is their any way they can give it to me in cash?" Denise asks. Chanel turns around with a look of disgust "What is that smell? Does anyone else smell something burning?" she asks us "Yea what is that?" Hester asks, of course I already know what it is. We went down stairs to find Jennifer in a sitting position on the table surrounded by candles and some wax on her head dripping down "Oh my god!" Chanel says walking into the dining room, we all scream, of course mine fake, at the sight of her. Later that night the school has a ceremony for Jennifer in the courtyard "Good evening, it is with a very heavy heart that after the continued deaths on this campus and the mounting evidence that they are, in fact the work of a serial killer. I regret to announce the suspension of all operations here at Wallace University, effective immediately. This evening at 8:00 p.m. out on the main quad under a peaceful oak tree there will be a moment of silence for Jennifer, or as she was more popularly known, "That very unusual girl with the really odd candle fetish." Dean Munsch's voice rang out as the Chanels and I lit candles around the tree and we all held candles. "Wicks up!" Hester told everyone and we lifted our candles up.

The next morning I sat between #3 and 5 in the dining room as Denise talked "Then we will pick up all the trash off the freeway. There's a couple of blind dogs down at the pound we're gonna read the newspaper to." she told us giving each of us a paper of the scheduled. "Um excuse me, no we're not." I said tossing the paper over my shoulder "You can bet your creamy white ass we are. Things gonna change around Kappa House now that Denise Hemphill is in charge." she tells us. "Since when are you in charge?" #3 asks "Since I weaseled my way into living in this house." Denise responded "Um, is that my dress?" #5 asked making Denise nod in reply "Why are you wearing my clothes?!" #5 yells at her. "The bigger question is: why are you the same size as a forty-year old women? And you know what? I don't know what brand of g-string it is you wear but-but-but I feel like angles are flossing my butt crack. So thank you." Denise explains making us have a grossed out look on our faces "This is insane!" #5 yells standing up "You have no right to root through our possessions and steal our things." she tells her "Shut up and sit down. I am housemother, and as housemother, I can do whatever I want." Denise tells her. "Housemother? What are you talking about?!" Chanel asked walking in the house with bags of cloths "Chanel it's a coup." Hester whines "What's going on here? Wh...What in god's name are you wearing?" Chanel asked Denise walking over to her "Chanel she's wearing my clothes! She's wearing my underwear!" #5 whines to her. "Oh shut up number five. Your underwear's probably relived to be touching actual human genitals." Chanel tells her, #5 gasps before sitting down "I don't know what you're attempting here, but I call the shots. I'm house president." Chanel says "Co-president." Zayday interrupts "Chanel, Mama Denise is in charge now. We're gonna step into the nearest bathroom and have a nice little heart to heart, just me and you." Denise tells her "Nearest bathroom? What? What is going on?!" Chanel yells, then Denise points towards the hallway and they walk away. I go to my room and call Boone "Hello?" he answers "Boone I have a really big problem! Wait are you you okay?" I stop to ask him "Look I can't live like this, okay? All I do is work out and kill people." He tells me "Where are you?" I ask him picking at my blanket "Where do you think I am? I'm in the gym." He informs me. "Are you wearing a disguise?" I ask him "Yeah, I'm wearing a disguise. What do you think, I'm an idiot?" he responds, I roll my eyes "I'm hanging up now." I take the phone away from my ear "Look, I'm totally incognito, I'm blending right in. Look Gigi's the problem, okay? She's the one that got us into this, and now she's blowing our brand. I mean who shows up in a Justice Scalia costume?" he asks me. "Ew really?" I ask him furrowing my eyebrows "Yeah, she said she got it at the discount bin at the Halloween store." He tells me "Hey, bro. you think I can get your autograph?" I hear in the background "Sure." he responds to the guy "Look Gigi's got to go. Okay? She's the weak link. We've gotta get rid of her now." He tells me in a lower voice "Thanks bro. Hey, I loved you in Gladiator man." I hear from the other end of his line. "So what do we do?" I ask him getting back on topic "We take her out and then we finish what we set out to do." he responds then hangs up the phone.


	8. Ghost Stories

Chanel Number 3 made me walk around the campus with her for a reason I don't know why, but I went with her anyway. We stopped in front of a tree "Oh my god." I said making Boone turn around and look at us "I gotta call you back." Boone told the person on the other line then hanging up the phone. "Boone?" #3 asked "No, I'm Joaquin Phoenix." he told her trying to cover up with a beard "You're Boone. You were killed by the Red Devil, which means..." #3 explained "Fine, okay. You caught me. I'm..." Boone said before getting cut off "A ghost?" #3 asked. Boone raised his head and widened his eyes "Yeah. Yeah, I'm-I'm the ghost of dead Bo-o-one!" he walked closer to us "And you've come back to get revenge on me for saying you couldn't be a pledge Kappa. I'm so sorry about that. Please don't kill us. I'm sort of gay now too. Please." #3 whimpered covering her head when Boone stopped in front of us. He winked at me before quickly going around us, #3 lifted her head looking around for him "Boo." he whispered by her ear making her scream and run off the opposite direction pulling me with her. "Listen up hog-faced sluts. Just because tonight's our last night in Kappa House before we're forced to evacuate campus, doesn't mean you get to mope around acting all sad!" Chanel said while looking down at the Chanels and I as we stood in our closet. "Why would we be sad? This is a house of death. Six people have been murdered here in a month. Now we finally get to leave." #5 whined, "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her raising my hand "Well Einstein, Thanksgiving is next Thursday and if any of you stupid whores ever cracked a book every now and again, you'd know I'm dressed as Sacagawea. She helped the pilgrims with their first harvest on what is now known as the first Thanksgiving." Chanel explained to us. "No she didn't. You're thinking of Squanto." Hester corrected. "Um no, Squanto was friends with the Lone Ranger." Chanel replied making me roll my eyes "Sacagawea guided the Lewis and Clark expedition." I told her "What? No way. Sacagawea taught the pilgrims how to make cranberry sauce and then, like, sang "Blue Corn Moon" or something." she replied. #5 put her hands over her face "That was Pocahontas." Hester corrected once more "Damn it! Are you serious? I'm trying to impress Mr. and Mrs. Radwell, and I just spent two hours dressing up as the hag who didn't realize she was the third wheel on Lewis and Clark's gay camping extravaganza?" Chanel asked us in exasperation "Wait what? You're meeting Chad's parents?" #3 asked. "Oh, did I bury the lead? I must have forgotten to tell you ladies about Chad's proposal." Chanel informed us "What?" Hester asked in a jealous rage "Proposal?" #5 asked smiling along with #3 and I "That's right. Chad and I were enjoying a very romantic compliment night." Chanel told us the real story and how they weren't actually engaged but she was gonna meet his parents. "So let's all raise a glass to me. The Radwell's are the perfect American family. And Chad want's me to become a part of it. So I actually care that tonight's the last night of Kappa Kappa Tau, because I have successfully used this sorority for it's proper god-given purpose." Chanel explained as #5 gave her a glass of champagne "To be apart of a sisterhood and make lifelong friends." Hester announced "Ew, no, for making me popular enough to get a hot, rich husband. Guys, both our families are loaded. I'm about to be like, super rich." Chanel told her. "Not if the ghost murders you first." #5 says "Or follows you home and murders you here." #3 adds on "Or if you get murdered tonight because it's the last night of Kappa Kappa Tau and it seems highly likely the killer will come after us." Hester finishes "Like I said, a toast... to Chanel. Kappa!" Chanel said raising her glass "Kappa." we all replied. Before I left Chanel pulled my arm so I turned to her "Also Chad showed a picture of you to his brother, Thad, and he likes you now and he sent this for you so you're coming wiht us to meet his parents in the Hampton's." she told me handing me the silver wishbone. I shrugged in reply "Okay." then I left.

I went up stairs only to bump into Zayday "Excuse me hood rat. I have to pack early for Thanksgiving, and I know you don't have a lot to pack but I do." I say walking past her "What's your problem?" she asks me, I stop and turn to look at her "Oh, I don't have a problem. But let me just tell you one thing, you already took my super hot boyfriend and I refuse to let it go. So let's just get something straight, stay out of my or I won't hesitate to kill you. Got it?" I say backing her into the wall. She nodded in reply clearly too scared to talk, I smirk "Good." then I turn around and go into my room. When I got into my room I see Boone sitting on my bed "What are you doing here?" I ask closing the door quickly, "I just wanted to see my best friend before I surprise Chad and Zayday." he replies getting up from the bed and walking over to me. I bent down to get a makeup bag from my vanity and when I turned around I found him standing directly in front of me, "Why are you so close to me?" I ask nervously as I back up causing some of my makeup too fall off. He puts his hands on my waist before talking again "Working with you made me realize that I like you way more than I thought." I looked at his hands that pulled me closer as if that were possible "I thought you liked Zayday?" I asked confused, he shrugged "Not anymore. I can't love someone who hurts my friend." then he kisses me, I kiss back as he lifts me up on the vanity. "As much as I would love to continue I have too help Chanel bubble wrap her clothes. Don't ask me why, our "Housemother" requested that we did it." I tell him causing him to groan but let me go reluctantly "Fine. But I'll be back later." he told me heading towards my window then jumping out. I went back down stairs and helped put Chanel's clothes in bubble wrap, "I don't understand why you're making us bubble wrap each item of clothing." Chanel told Denise turning around from one of the racks of clothes "Are you kidding me? How much did this dress cost?" Denise asked motioning to a sparkly dress. Chanel glanced at it "$63,000." she replied simply "Uh, yeah, okay. When something cost $63,000, you wrap it in bubble wrap. Besides, bubble wrap is fun." Denise replied squeezing Chanel's arms "I think because I'm not allowed to carry a firearm, I like to pop the little bubbles and then pretend like my finger is a gun." she told us pooping the bubbles and making a finger gun to demonstrate. All of the sudden #3 screams making us look at her "Okay, sorry, I can't keep this a secret any longer. I am personally being haunted by a ghost." she tells us "What?" Chanel asked "You heard me. Late last night Number Six and I were walking around campus, and we saw the ghost of dead gay Boone. The ghost of dead gay Boone is walking the Earth. We had, like, a full conversation." she explained. This made #5 scoff "That is so stupid. Because ghost don't exist." she said writing something down on a notepad "Oh really? Then why won't my hands stop shaking?" #3 yelled back showing us her hands "Because you're hungover." Chanel responded "Of course I'm hungover. You know why I had to get hammered last night? Because I saw the ghost of dead gay Boone!" #3 tells us. "Wait, you-you-you seriously saw a ghost?" Denise asked "Yes. It was... terrifying." #3 responds "Ohh, that is creepy. Being haunted by a ghost who's stalking the campus on your last night at Kappa House, the night all of you are most likely to be murdered. Put the bubble wrap down. Let's gather round the fireplace. Come on children." Denise motions us towards the fire place.

"Momma Denise is about to scare the living bejeezus out of you with some real scary ghost stories." she tells us once we sit down "Wait what?" I say "No please." #3 says shaking her head "We're already terrified." #5 adds "Exactly. See when I get scared, and I feel like, like, ISIS done broke in my house, I tell myself real scary ghost stories. And then my fear of the ISIS is replaced and I'm scared of the Candyman, who returns from the dead when you say his name five times. Candyman, Candyman..." Denise explains already scaring everyone but Hester who was quietly saying Candyman over and over. "Or the hitching old lady with the hairy arms just like hers," she points to Chanel "who disappears when you stop for gas. But there's a butcher knife in her purse, except you didn't see it the first time, 'cause when you checked wasn't nothing in there but knitting materials. And then there's a Japanese ghost story called "The Kappa."." she continues "There is not! Come on!" Chanel yelled while #3 was freaking out "Oh yes there is. Look it up. Them Japanese got all manner of weird-ass ghost stories. And the one about the Kappa is the creepiest of all. They live in the sewer. And they just waiting for you to sit your ass on the toilet, so they can reach up and grab your ass, snatch you by the vagina and-and drown your crushed body in raw sewage. The... end." once she finished we were all shaking. "I, for one, loved that." Hester told her clutching a pillow, I looked at her like she was crazy "See? I know ya'll feel better now! Now you're scared of the Kappa. You're not even thinking about the serial killer on campus or the ghost that's stalking you." Denise tells us "Yes we are!" #3 told her in a shaking voice "That story just made it worse!" Chanel added on. "Okay, okay, okay. I hear you. Momma Denise knows you're still scared. So you might just need another ghost story. " she says to us "No!" Chanel and I cry "This Japanese ghost story is called "The Red Cloak.". And it's about a ghost who lurks in women's bathrooms." Denise continues "What? Why another story about a bathroom?" #5 cries out "I'm just telling the story. The Red Cloak waits until you run out of toilet paper. And then he makes you choose the red roll or the blue roll. If you pick the red roll, he'll slit your throat! And the blood will run up and look like you're wearing a red cloak. But if you pick the blue roll, he will strangle you until you turn blue. And it'll look like you're wearing a blue cloak. The... End. I know ya'll feel better now." she finished her second story. "No, we don't." #3 told her "No more ghost stories!" Chanel yelled after "Or at least stop setting them in bathrooms!" #5 whined "I really have to pee. But there is no way I'm going anywhere near a toilet. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go look for a salad bowl to squat over under the stairwell." Chanel said getting up then fastly walking to the kitchen along with #3 and 5 but Hester stayed and I ran upstairs.

Later the Chanels and I were in Chanel's room when Denise ran in "The killer just attacked me in the bathroom!" we all turned to look at her "We have to get out of here!" #5 yelled "We ain't goin' no where. Not until I hear another ghost story. If I don't hear another ghost story right now, I might just have a stroke!" Denies told us closing the doors that lead into the hallway. "But if we stay in here then the killer could come in and chop off your head!" #5 yelled trying to reason with her "Well... that's just a chance I'm willing to take. Nope we ain't goin' no where. Besides, Denise Hemphill is not gonna make it down that crazy, overly dramatic staircase without having a damn heart attack!" she tells us pulling handcuffs from between her legs then locking the door. "Will someone please just tell a scary story so we can get out of here?" Chanel begged looking around the room "Okay, fine. I have one. Let's all sit by the fire place." Hester said, we all sat at the fire place and Hester started talking again "It happened in the 1950s. A sorority sister was returning to campus after getting her license for the first time. She was supposed to leave at lunchtime, but she got delayed at a weenie roast or sock hop, when suddenly, she found herself on the road in the middle of the night." Hester began. She then told us the story of a killer who hid in the back of the girls car "I don't understand. If he escaped a mental institution in the middle of the night, then where did he get a meat hook from?" #5 asked " 'Cause he's the Meat Hook killer. The story would suck if there wasn't a meat hook in it." Hester replied "Let me just say that that scares me but good. I feel my blood pressure coming down, and I'm not gassy no more. We can all leave now." Denise said getting up from the chair. "The killer could still be out there!" Chanel exclaimed "Well, he's probably gone by now. Exactly like we should all be. I mean if we've learned anything from all of this, it's that he's crazier than us and smarter than us. And even though we seem unwilling to do whatever it takes to survive, he's not gonna stop until all of us are dead. He is the predator and we... are the prey. The only way to stop the killings... cut off his food supply." #5 explained, "Wait... When did he start eating us?" #3 asked confused "Yeah."Denise added "Well you know, you guys are more than welcome to stay here and be the next on his list, but I'm leaving campus immediately. Not that it matters. I wouldn't put it past him to hunt all of us down one by one." #5 said then leaving the closet closing the doors behind her. Chanel looked at us "Let's wait and hear if she makes it downstairs to make sure the killer isn't still here." she told us, we left a couple minutes later and went down stairs to the living room. We were talking when Zayday and Grace ran down stairs "What's going on? It looks like you saw a ghost." Chanel asked them "We did." Zayday replied "No we didn't." Grace argued "Boone was upstairs." Zayday said "What?" Chanel asked confused "Yes, except he's not dead!" Grace told us. "What that makes no sense. How can Boone be a ghost if he's not dead?" #3 asked angrily "Because he's not a ghost." Grace tells her, then #5 walks in with suitcases "This is insane! If we stay in this house we are all going to die! I mean why are we even still here?! I am not staying in this house for a moment longer. I am leaving right now and I am going home." then she walks out the house. "Number Five don't go... actually I'm totally fine with her leaving." I tell them making #3 shrug "As you were ladies." Denise says and we all go back to talking.

Later we found out that the Red Devil killed Earl but Zayday was the most upset, "I can't believe it. Earl Grey is dead. It had to be Boone who killed him." Zayday said sadly to Grace while I rolled my eyes. "You know what I can't believe?! I can't believe that no one is comforting me after I was almost murdered by the Red Devil, who was in the back seat of my car and then barely escaped as some some poor old truck driver was hacked to death with a machete! And then, you know, I thought I'd at least get some props for coming back with such an amazing scary story." #5 complained "Actually Number Five, that story is neither scary nor amazing. That story is an exact facsimile of the Hook Hand story Hester told about an hour ago. Honestly if you're gonna get attacked please attempt to get attacked in a fresh, exciting way." Chanel told her. "We have to concentrate, the pieces of this puzzle are coming together. Yes, we know now that Boone is the Red Devil." Grace told us trying to get on topic "There's more than one Red Devil moron." I tell her "Well now we know Boone is one of them. Which means he's probably the baby in the bathtub." Grace explained while #3 paced around "We should call the police. They've gotta find him." Zayday spoke up again "Already did. The police put out an all point bulletin and Denise is aiding the manhunt." Grace told her "The police aren't going to help us. You can't stop a ghost. Oh, my god, I'm so freaked out. Will someone please tell a ghost story?" #3 asks closing her eyes. "I have a ghost story. It's a good one." we all look to see Hester in her neck brace "It's about a girl who never fit in. As much as she tried to be popular the mean girls were always trying to tear her down. They could never see past her neck brace. She soon realized the only way to get back at these girls would be to screw Chanel's boyfriend Chad Radwell, and wreak ultimate vengeance." we all stared at her with widened eyes "What?" Chanel asked angrily "That's right Chanel, her name is me. And guess what bitch, I'm pregnant!" Hester told her "This is insane." Chanel said standing in front of her "Looks like I'll be going to the Hampton's for Thanksgiving with the Radwells." she told Chanel "Guess who's top bitch on campus now Chanel?" Hester said quietly.

Chanel #3, 5 and I stood waiting for Chanel in her closet "Chanel #3, #5, and #6? I owe you all the most heartfelt of apologies. Remember when I said that the only thing a sorority's ever been good for is scoring a hot, rich husband? Well I have never been so wrong. Kappa House is and always has been, first and foremost, a sisterhood and I have never needed my sisters more than I need them now." Chanel told us as she stopped in front of us. "Yeah, okay, apology accepted." #3 said "Hold on. I am not going to accept any old apology Chanel. I mean you treat me like garbage every single day. Am I just supposed to ignore the obvious fact that you hate me and love nothing more than playing super humiliating pranks on me?" #5 asked "Why do you always have to make everything about you?" Chanel asked. "Like remember that one time when you hacked into my mom's e-mail and wrote me this really long letter explaining how I was adopted and born with fetal alcohol syndrome and therefore, had an IQ in the low 60s?" #5 explained "I'm sorry, but that was hilarious. I stand by that prank." Chanel told her "Look Number Five, sisters don't always get along ,but that doesn't mean their not sisters." #3 tells her "See? Exactly. Thank you number Three. Okay now that we're a sisterhood again, we have to figure out a way to get rid of Chanel #7." Chanel asks "When you say get rid of her, do you mean like force her to leave or kill her?" #5 asks "Honestly Number 5 do you think I'm insane? The bitch seduced my boyfriend into getting her pregnant. Of course I mean kill her." Chanel replies. "Chanel as much as I love the idea of killing Hester, you can't just run around murdering people. Okay? That just means you're the killer." I tell her "It makes her a killer not the killer." #3 corrects "What? Okay, I just-I just don't understand what killing Number Seven is going to solve." #5 tell Chanel "Um, hello? Everything? Number Seven will be dead, I'll get my invite to Thanksgiving at the Radwell Compound in the Hampton's, and I'll be back on track to getting the only thing a sorority's ever been good for. Scoring a hot husband with an enormous family fortune." she finished making #5 get a confused look "Wait you just said that you don't care about any of those things and the only thing that really mattered was just Chad." she asks "Yeah. That was when I thought I had taken our life long friendship for granted and lost it forever. But now that I see we're stronger than ever, i.e. planning a murder together, I can concentrate on the things I care way, way, way more about than sisterhood, e.g. hot husband, extreme wealth, et cetera, et cetera. Try to keep up. The logic's not that complicated. Now come on, murder, ideas, go." Chanel demanded. Later we got the idea to get non-baby safe foods for Hester to eat, "I have to say Chanel, I am delighted and shocked that you're letting me keep whatever clothes I want, it's really big of you considering the whole "I'm pregnant with your boyfriend's baby" thing." Hester said while she was picking out clothes "Well, honestly, the more I thought about it, I just realized that I love Chad so much, and part of loving someone is loving every choice they make, regardless of how selfish and destructive it is, you know?" Chanel explained to her "Thank you Mommy. Oh and if you wanna start calling me Mommy, now being the one that's gonna actually gonna be the mommy, I'm totally fine with that." Hester told us smiling. "Number Seven, before you try on that kimono, why haven't you had any of this sushi? I mean we got it just for you." I ask her gesturing to the food that sat on the table "Mm, don't mind if I do." Hester picks up chop sticks and then a piece of sushi "Mm, that's so good." she tells us "Oh and do yourself a favor, have a little slice of that soft, unpasteurized cheese. It makes any sushi that much more delicious." #3 says, Hester eats the cheese "Mm, you're right." she says through a mouthful of cheese and cracker "Oh and Hester, you have got to try this champagne. It's a special champagne with triple the alcohol and a... nicotine-y mouth feel, because it's infused with tobacco." Chanel tells her picking up a glass, Hester went around the counter to Chanel taking the glass out of her hand then drinking it. "Mmm. De-lish!" she say after swallowing the drink "Liar!" Chanel says knocking the glass out of her hand "What the hell is going on?" Hester asks scared as the other Chanels and I go around the counter "You're trapped in a web of lies whore. You just had sushi, soft cheese, and alcohol, three foods that are damaging to embryos. Which means you're not pregnant!" Chanel yells "That's not true! I didn't know anything about the whole... sushi-cheese-alcohol thing!" Hester defends her self while gesturing to the food "Fine! Prove it. You're not leaving this room until you've peed on every single one of these pregnancy tests." the Chanels and I pull out multiple test, Hester starts chuckling "Hmm... I had all four of you fooled, didn't I! Fine you got me. I'm not pregnant. But it doesn't matter, because Chad still thinks that I am, and being that he already purchased our first-class airfare to the Hampton's, that means that I'll be the one attending Thanksgiving where I'll have ample opportunity to get pregnant all weekend long!" Hester yells quickly leaving the closet. "I'll kill you neck brace!" Chanel yells then running after her we follow along "Hester I'm sorry." Chanel says in a sympathetic voice "What did you say?" Hester asks turning around half way down the stairs "Hester, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that you've had to got through life feeling like an outcast, and... I'm sorry that I got angry that Chad's clearly chosen you over me. It's just that ever since you walked through those doors... I knew you were gonna be the one to take it all away from me." Chanel says as Hester climbs back up to the top of the stairs "Really?" Hester asks. "No." Chanel says then pushing Hester down the flight of stairs, at the last step we hear her bone crack "Oh my god." #3 says with a shaky voice "You killed her! Chanel #7 is dead!" #5 yells. Chanel and I just look down at the body "I realize that my killing Neck Brace might just seem like a bridge too far, but trust me when I say this had to happen. And I'm confident that I'll be able to redeem myself morally in everyone's eyes." Chanel sighs before continuing "And furthermore, what I just did will become a new ghost story. A cautionary tale about what happens to hag-faced bitches who try to steal hotter Kappas' boyfriends. And that story will be told around the campfire by Kappa pledges for centuries to come." she laughs at the end then inhales "Okay... let's get her in that meat locker."


	9. Thanksgiving

"Hey Chanel? Listen. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I don't think I can bone you right now, or Number 6 since she's here. My wanger is way stressed out. I got a kid on the way with a crazy neck-braced baby mamma who I now gotta to marry and be miserable for the rest of my life." Chad stated as he walked into the room with Chanel and I. "You don't have to marry that psycho cow Hester, because you don't have a baby on the way... if you know what I mean." Chanel hinted "No, I-I don't know what you mean." Chad responded shaking his head "I have killed for love Chad. I've killed for our love." Chanel told him "Wh... What?" Chanel let go of his hand "Chad, Hester was never pregnant. She just said that so you'd invite her to Thanksgiving with your family in the Hampton's." I explain "But then, she had a little accident on the stairs." Chanel said with a smirk. "A what? Wait, are you saying you killed Hester?" Chad asked "Gravity killed Hester. I just gave her a little push. Hester can't come between us anymore Chad. You and I can pick up right were we left off. You can bring Aspen and I home for Thanksgiving and introduce us to our future in-laws." Chanel said "Hold on. What did you do with the body?" he asks us "Duh. We put it in the meat locker. It's where we've been putting all the dead bodies." I tell him "Oh, my god." Chad bends over "Chanel, that is so hot. I want to see it. I need to see the body. We could have a four way with the body." he suggest "What?! No!" Chanel and I yell "Oh come on, I need this! If you expect me to take our relationship to the next level by taking you home to the Hampton's for Thanksgiving, you're going to have to prove to me you can meet my needs." Chad told her "Ugh, fine! We'll show you the body, but not so you can have sex with it. I'll show it to you so that you and I will share a dangerous secret that will strengthen our relationship and bring us closer together." Chanel says. We head down to the meat locker and Chanel opens it to an empty locker. "No frigging way. Where is she?" Chanel asks in confusion "I don't understand how this keeps happening. Is this meat locker like, a wormhole to an alternate universe or something?" I ask as Chanel and I walk to the empty space. "Look Chanel, Aspen, you gotta relax. Believe me, no one's more disappointed that Hester's dead hot bod isn't in here. Listen. I'm not a detective or anything, but what if Hester was never dead and she just managed to escape?" Chad questioned "That's not possible! We watched her fall down the stairs!" Chanel told him as he walked in "After she fell down the stairs did you check her pulse?" He asked us "No Chad, because we're not, like, registered nurses." I tell him. "Well, Chanel it seems to me like you tried to kill Hester and totally failed. So you should probably bring a security detail with you to the Hampton's because... the girl's insane. She'll probably stop at nothing until she gets her revenge by murdering you." he finishes.

Chad, Chanel and I now sat around a table of food with the Radwells with me sitting next to Thad. Mr. Radwell clinked his glass and Mrs. Radwell stood up "Welcome everyone. It is so nice you could all make it home for another Radwell family Thanksgiving. We have two newcomers this year. So let's all give a round of tolerant Radwell applause to our newcomer Chanel... Oberlin." everyone but Chad claps slowly "And let's give a happy applause to Aspen Anderson." then they all clap in a faster pace then they did Chanel making me put my hands over my face. Then she sat down and Mr. Radwell stood up "Yes, welcome Chanel and Aspen. Chad hasn't mentioned you... ever. And Thad talks about you all the time. Before we, uh, dig into this delicious feast that Mrs. Radwell has spent all day overseeing, let us honor the timeworn, age-old Radwell tradition of standing up, stating our names and saying what we're thankful for this year. I'm Tad Radwell and I am thankful that the turmoil in the Fertile Crescent has not impacted this family's wealth.". Then stands up "I am Bunny Radwell and I'm thankful that the Radwell family name continues to be one of the oldest bloodlines in America next to the Anderson's. Who exactly are the Oberlins Chanel?" Chanel stand's up "Mrs. Radwell, I am happy to report that the Oberlin family is a well-established American dynasty. A little know fact is that my great-great-great-great grandfather Ichabod Oberlin actually signed the Deceleration of Independence. It's only "little known" because he was the last one to sign it, so there was no more room for him to put his name on the front, so he had to flip it over and put his name on the back. Oh, also the Oberlins came over on the Mayflower." Chanel finished and Chad and I smiled at her "Oh, well the Radwells came over on a ship that arrived 30 years before the Mayflower. So... Aspen why don't you go next." I stood up "Okay, um, I'm Aspen Anderson and I'm just thankful that I could spend a Thanksgiving with the Radwells, and was invited by Thad who I've never heard of because I didn't know Chad had brothers that had names so, so, similar to his." then I sat down. Thad cleared his throat "I'm Thad Radwell. And this year I'm so thankful for the lax indecency laws in Eastern Europe that inundate our Internet with millions of hours of hardcore-porn. Which helps to just generally raise the bar on the stuff that chicks feel like they have to do now. I mean, am I right?" I rolled my eyes "Oh my god, you are so stupid." I said quietly "Come on, let's go Blue!" he tried to do a handshake with Chad but he rejected. "Hello. I'm Muffy -Radwell. And I am so, so thankful for my husband Brad. And also, that I'm starting my own new clothing line, and it's gonna be so..." she was then cut off by Brad "Hey everyone, I'm Brad Radwell. And for the third year in a row, I am thankful that I work at L.A.'s hottest talent agency, Accentuated Artist, huh? Up high, boom!" he high fived Chad "You know, ever since I was a little boy, I knew what God wanted me to do and that was make money off the backs of creative people." he finishes his speech slamming his hand on the table then sitting down. "Hello, I'm Chad Radwell. And this year I'm thankful for someone who's very special to me. Without this person, I wouldn't be the man I am right now. In fact, I wouldn't be here at all. I am, of course, referring to the serial killer who's stalking the campus of Wallace University. I am so thankful that he, for whatever reason, has not murdered me yet. I am so, so grateful." Chad finishes leaving Chanel disappointed. "I'm also thankful to that serial killer for not killing you Chad. And that you will have a long, long, long life. You have such a vast future ahead of you. You'll meet so many new and different women. So many wonderful women to go out with and break up with and move on from." Mrs. Radwell hinted that she really didn't like Chanel, Chanel jumped up from the table causing Chad to hold her back "You should be thankful that this table is too long for me to reach across and strangle you bitch!" she yells making Mrs. Radwell gasp. The butler walked in "Excuse me, but another guest has arrived. A lady by the name of... Hester." Chanel starts freaking out while Chad still held her "Oh god, no, no, no, no!" then Hester walk in making me gasp "Happy Thanksgiving Radwells. I'm sorry I'm late" she says walking in "Oh god." I hear Chad say quietly "What did I miss?" she then sits at the table next to Chad "I hope I haven't kept you waiting. I'm famished." she says, her neck brace still on "I beg your pardon. But who are you?" Mrs. Radwell asks "Uh, she is my-my sober coach." Chad answers "Chad I didn't know you had a drinking problem." Mr. Radwell says "Neither did I. That is how insidious alcoholism is, Dad." Chad states sitting down once more "That's true." I hear Thad say quietly next to me. "Dinner is served." the butler say after people bring in food "Radwells? I have an announcement to make. This is a blessed occasion. Because I am carrying a little bit of each one of you inside of me." Hester starts making Chad gulp his wine "What is she talking about babe?" Thad quietly asks me "I have a little Radwell inside of me. I'm having Chad's baby! We're so happy." Hester finishes putting her arm around Chad and making everyone groan "That's a lie! Chanel and I saw her eat sushi, soft cheese, and booze!" I yell. "Enough!" Mrs. Radwell yells getting up from her seat "Chad I have never been so ashamed! You have besmirched the Radwell family Thanksgiving by bringing home not one but two gold-digging hoochies!" she yells upset "I'm sorry but maybe you didn't hear me. I'm carrying your future grandchild!" Hester yells back "You listen to me you swarthy little runt. We have an entire legal team at Bender & Bender & Stanwyk on retainer just to make spurious paternity claims like yours simply go away." Mrs. Radwell explains. "But I'm carrying your son's seed." Hester says with her voice cracking "The only thing you're carrying is water weight, you bloated little tramp. That's not a baby bump. That's a poo belly." she finishes her rant sitting down along with Hester, who I now feel bad for. "Now, will someone please pass me the stuffing?" then we start eating.

Later I look around the room while Chanel's in the bathroom and Chad and Hester are in the dining room. I look at one of the paintings when Thad came up behind me "It's time for Pictionary." I turn around to look at him "Okay." I start to go down the stairs when he stops me "Wait, I'm sorry about how I acted earlier. I'm not usually like that I promise. I really like you, and I don't want you to think that I'm the kind of guy that only thinks about sex." I giggle at his apology which is rare because I never giggle, "It's okay, really. I didn't think that you were actually that stupid, you're a Radwell and Radwell's aren't that stupid." he laughs then sticks out his arm "Shall we go?" I take his arm and we go downstairs. I sit on Thad's lap with the other Radwell's as Hester and Chanel sit on another couch across from us "Chanel, Hester, I'm really sorry about this. I personally don't think these teams are fair, but honestly, I did warn you, so if this gets super awkward, it's on you. Good luck. When next we speak, it will be as adversaries." Chad finishes then stands behind Thad and I. "Well, just a quick overview of the rules. You pick a card and then you draw the word on the board using little pictures. No talking or gesturing, and your team has to guess it before the time runs out. Brad why don't you start us off?" Mrs. Radwell says, everyone starts cheering for him as he gets up and Chad takes his seat. He picks a card looks at it then puts it down, "And... go." Mrs. Radwell says flipping over a hour glass and Brad points at Hester "Uh... Hester. Um, homely, ugly." Chad shouts out "Gold digger! Not welcome." Mr. Radwell says "Oh, unattractive short person." Muffy guesses. Brad then starts gesturing a neck brace while pointing to her "Poo belly. Is it poo belly?" Thad questions "I thought you couldn't gesture?" Chanel points out "He wasn't gesturing he was pointing." Mrs. Radwell replies "Uh, doesn't belong here. Should have left hours ago." Mrs. Radwell says looking at Hester. "Um, uh, bird. Turkey?" Thad guesses after Brad draws a turkey on the board making me roll my eyes "Turkey neck! Neck waddle. Uh, girl with a weird, big neck." Mrs. Radwell shouts. Brad points to Hester again "Oh, uh, uh, neck brace! Neck brace!" Chad shouts and Brad signals that was the first word, when I look at Hester I saw that she looked sad and I refused to guess anything because I couldn't make in front of her "Second word, second word." Mr. Radwell said "Sounds like..." Mrs. Radwell says as Brad gestures to his ear "That's a gesture. That is a gesture." I say for the first time in this game "Oh shh." Muffy tells me. Brad starts drawing on the board again "Bed, bed, uh, bed, bed. Sounds like bed, uh, sleep. Uh dead! Dead neck brace girl." Chad calls out "Overfed! Overfed girl with a neck brace." Mrs. Radwell says standing up "No, no, too chunky to wear that outfit. Yeah?" Muffy asks, Brad once again points to the drawing "Snore. Snore, uh, uh, um, um, whore! Neck brace whore!" Chad finally guesses and everyone starts cheering knowing he got it right. "I'm sorry but someone needs to contact the good people of Hasbro, because the odds of you picking neck brace whore are astronomical." I tell the now standing by Chanel who also stood up "I'm fairly certain this board game's been tampered with." Chanel says after "Chanel, Aspen, I don't wanna be like, a rules stickler, but teams are not really supposed to be conversing between rounds." Chad says to us. "You will not shut me up this time Chad. I have something to say. Hester, I owe you an apology. Yes I did push you down the stairs in an attempt to murder you and your fake unborn baby. And while my motivations were airtight and my conscience clear, still, I'm sorry." Chanel tells her "You Chanel #7 are our sister, and that bond is stronger than some silly little attempt on your life." I say making her smile at us defending her "Thank you." she says to us "And furthermore, I'm sorry that you had to sit through the most mean-spirited game of Pictionary in the history of Pictionary. I mean no one deserves to be spoken to like that, particularly not by what is, without a doubt, the most awful family in America." I say directing my speech towards the Radwells. "Chad, your leathery excuse for a mother looks like a ostrich-hide clutch from last season that somehow learned to talk. And Mr. Radwell, I have never seen anyone spend so much money to make a house look this tacky. I've honestly seen more tasteful decor at a Sizzler. And you Thad, excuse me for what I say Aspen, have a bright future ahead of you in the sex offender wing of a supermax prison. And you sir, give the kind, hard working, deeply moral people who work in such a wonderful industry as Hollywood a bad name. And Chad Radwell, whatever we had between us is over. I am walking out that door and never speaking to you again." Chanel tells him "You know you say that a lot, right?" he asks her "Well consider this coming to my senses, because no woman in her right mind would want anything to do with this family. So good-bye Chad. Good-bye forever." Chanel finishes then walks out of the room with me leaving Hester behind. "Chanel, Aspen, wait. I'm coming with you." Hester tells her "Really?" Chanel says surprised "Yes, yes, all I've ever wanted is to be your sister." Hester tells us "Fine. Let's hit the road Number Seven." Chanel says "We're going home." I say loud enough for them to hear then we leave.

Later Chanel, Hester and I were back at the house where Dean Munsch, Grace, Zayday, Grace's Dad, #3, Pete and #5 were also cooking dinner. I was helping Pete set up the table when Chanel walked in with #5 "And then Chad's dad offered me $50,000 to leave and never come back." she told her "That's amazing. What are you gonna do with the money?" #5 asked "I didn't take the money idiot." Chanel told as they pulled out their chairs and sat down "Um, okay, well, you already left, so, basically, you're out of $50,000 for no reason." #5 told her. "Chanel #3 and I are thrilled to announce that Tiburon is ready to be served." the Dean announced walking in the room with a basket of bread "Uh Chanel, would you at least give the illusion of trying to help?" she said "Okay first of all, I experienced extreme emotional trauma this evening, and second, I'm the one delegating tasks, thank you very much. It's the most important job there is. Plus I'm saving my energy for Black Friday doorbusters tomorrow morning." Chanel said excitedly. "Um ladies, excuse me, please. I'm gonna go freshen up." the Dean walked out "What took you so long?" Chanel asked Zayday as she walked in "I couldn't find any matches. I thought there's be some in Jennifer's room, but I ended up finding this in the downstairs bathroom." she told her while lighting the candles. "And what happened to you?" Chanel asked Hester who walked in holding something "I was sharpening this knife. I couldn't find Ms. Bean's carver, but this one is definitely sharp enough to glide easily through roasted flesh. " Hester explained holding up the knife "What a weird way to put that." #3 responded after that Grace and her dad walked in "Oh great, it's you two. You're gonna make fabulous dinner guests now that you found out you fathered a bastard murder, who's your sibling." Chanel announced as they walked in. "As you can imagine, it's been sort of a heavy day for me. So if you wouldn't mind, I would love for all of us to have a quiet, uneventful Thanksgiving. Thank you." Weston says. #3 sighs "Come on, let's bring in Tiburon." she and #5 get up and go to the kitchen and Dean Munsch came back in "Oh, Weston, is your crazy girlfriend attending? Because if so I need to set a place for her." she asks "No, no, because I have no idea where Gigi is." he tells her. All of the sudden Chad slides in making Chanel gasp "Chad?" she looks at him happily "You haven't eaten yet have you?" he ask her, Chanel stand's up and he walks to her "I knew it. You've come back. You've chosen me over your awful family." She says making him stop "Hold up. First of all, my family's awesome. How dare you? And second, yeah I did come back, but it's only because I knew you'd have turkey here, so I thought I'd get my turkey on with you. I'm sorry I said that." he finishes making her smile before kissing him. "What's up guys?" Chad asks sitting down next to Chanel "You know I really thought this bird would be a lot heavier." #5 says walking in with the tray "Yeah, Dean Munsch, you must have really overcooked the turkey" #3 tells her while #5 sets it on the table, Dean Munsch scoffs "Oh, that's nonsense. Tiburon is perfectly cooked." she responds. "Okay I hope everyone's hungry because I for one am overjoyed at this. I mean look, it's our first Kappa Thanksgiving. So without further ado, dinner is served." Chanel announces walking to the tray the lifting it only to find Gigi's head on the platter making us all scream at the sight.


	10. Black Friday

A couple hours later the Chanels and I decide to go to the mall for Black Friday. We're walking down stairs when Munsch stopped us "Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you ladies think you're going? We were just served a roasted head for Thanksgiving. I mean, now it's almost midnight." she said walking over to us as we got to the bottom of the stairs "Yeah. And you know what starts at midnight? Black Friday. That's why we're doorbusting." I tell her. "No. You're not going anywhere, not until I get ahold of the police." she says shaking her head "Okay, at this point who cares if the police show up?" Chanel replies "Chanel's right. All their gonna do is look at Gigi's served roasted head and say that they have no proof that it is in any way related to the killing at campus." Number 5 explains "Shut up Number Five. When you agree with me it makes me actually question whether I actually agree with me. Plus we're never gonna know who cooked Gigi and put her head on that platter. Any one of us could be the killer. At one point or another tonight, on this delightful holiday evening, everyone of us was alone and had access to that kitchen." Chanel explains to Dean Munsch. Chanel shrugs before continuing "Got to run, or we'll be late for the midnight hippo stampede at Walmart." we start walking away from the stairs when Munsch stop us again "No, no, no. You listen to me you little bitch. I am gonna take this opportunity to be the strong parental influence you have never had. You are gonna march over to that sofa right now and you're gonna sit down because you are in a time-out." Munsch tells Chanel making her chuckle "I'm sorry. Did you just put me in a time-out? You do realize I'm not seven, right? Let's review the facts shall we? You have been uterally powerless to protect us from the Red Devil. Hmm. Sort of a strange coincidence isn't it? Seeing as how your primary motivation as dean of this school has been to shut down Kappa House. well, behold how badly you've failed. Kappa House is alive and well, and it's your university that's been shut down. I think it's pretty safe to assume that your career is over. Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to the mall to exercise out patriotic right to join hundreds of thousands of our fellow out-of-breath Americans in sweatpants as they make frenzied, ill-thought-out purchases of cheap, crappy garbage they can't afford and don't need. To deny us of that right would be un-american. Let's go sluts. Try not to murder anyone else while we're gone Dean Carpetmunsch." we all follow Chanel out of the house.

I was standing with Chanel and Number 3 looking at the 20 percent off jewelry "Should I get Number Five a pair of 99-cent brass studs that'll turn her earlobes green and give her an infection or a pair of $1.99 danglies that'll get caught in her sweater and tear her earholes?" Chanel asks us picking up the earrings "Hmm. That's a really good question." Number responded "There both amazing results." I add on. "Okay, you know what you guys, I don't understand why you have to get us the crappiest gifts possible and then make sure we know about it beforehand just to ruin the surprise." Number Five complains to us "Um, hello? The surprise is that you're getting anything at all. You guys should be happy you're even on my radar." Chanel tells us "I think what Number Five is trying to say is that since we spent so much time and money picking you out the perfect Chanel Classic Flap Crocodile Jumbo Purse for you..." Hester starts explaining before getting cut off "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You dumb bitches got me- Chanel- a Chanel Classic Flap Crocodile Purse?" she asks us "Oh yeah." Hester replies happily "That is bizarre. I mean, that's like bringing pineapples to Hawaii. You know Uncle Karl gives me Chanel swag for free, right? So why would you feel the need to waste $13,000 buying me something I already have?" Chanel finishes " 'Cause it's Christmas." I tell her smiling. Chanel gets a look of realization "Oh, my god. Maybe I've got this whole Black Friday thing wrong. Maybe instead of using my disgusting wealth to buy my friends crap, I should use my disgusting wealth to buy my friends things they would actually enjoy. Come on let's get out of here." Chanel tells us smiling "Wait, w-where are we going?" Hester asks as we walk out "To the Chrysler dealership across the street. I'm buying us all matching pink Jeeps." Chanel tells us happily "Wait what?" Number Five asks "Yes. It's gonna be so fun. We can take our matching pink Jeeps on, like, an African safari or something." Chanel explains as we walk fastly. "How do we know that they're gonna have five identical pink Jeeps?" Hester asks as we round a corner "Yeah and how are we gonna get the Jeeps to Africa? I mean, are we gonna ship them or we gonna take a ferry?" Number Five rambles as they walk but Hester and I stop noticing the mall completely empty "I don't know Number Five okay? Stop poking holes in the pink Jeep idea please, and just accept the fact that I'm buying you all pink Jeeps. Take the win Number Five. Geez!" Chanel tells her as we all stopped walking now standing in the middle of the mall. Not even a second later all the lights shut off "What time is it?" Chanel asks "Oh my god. The mall is deserted. We've been shopping for, like, ever with no liquids or cotton balls." Number 3 tells us freaking out "It's fine we'll just find an exit." I say confidently not really knowing what was going on, I had been kicked off the Red Devil team after Boone was killed by his sister. We walk to the exit with Number Five in front, when she opens the door we find that it's chained "Oh no, we're locked in!" Chanel yells freaking out. Number Three turns around to face us with a scared look on her face then turns back to the door trying to fit through the small gap "Oh as if Number Five." I say to her, she then turns around to us again but Chanel, Number 3, Hester and I scream as the Red Devil appears behind her making Number Five look quickly to look at the person then scream we all then run from the exit and back into the dark mall. "This is all your fault Number Five!" Chanel yells as we run down the escalator "It's gonna be okay!" Hester yells "And you're constantly behind me! And your stupid little chicken legs..." Chanel continues to blame Number Five as we get to the bottom and continue to run "I'm coming to help you! I'm gonna help you Chanel! I'm gonna came and help you. Oh no- look!" Hester yells pointing to the Red Devil that was standing in front of a carousel with a crossbow. "Wait look." I say looking at an half open garage door, we all run to them throwing the shopping bags under with us rushing Number Five who was first, after Hester went under Chanel and I stayed wanting to confront whoever was in the suit. "I am Kappa president." Chanel says.

We walk further into the mall then stopping in the middle "Alright Munsch. I guess it's finally just me, Aspen and you." Chanel says. Then the sound of an elevator starts making my eyes widen and Chanel and I turn around and face the elevator as the Red Devil exits making us back away. "Oh go on and shoot us hag. It'll just make us young and skinny forever and you'll still be old." Chanel taunts as we continue to walk backward. The Red Devil points the crossbow at us and we turn to run but when Chanel turns back the Devil shoots her causing her to fall back, shriek and cry "Come on, finish us off, you shriveled old crone!" I yell as the Devil loads the crossbow while Chanel scoots back and I walk back. The Devil go's to shoot me but is interrupted by a voice "Hold on baby girls! Freeze!" we see Denise run in wearing a police uniform with two other cops "Fist day on the job and I caught a killer. Ain't no way you getting out of this one Zayday Williams." she says pointing a gun at the Red Devil "Wait, you have a gun?" Chanel says in a surprised voice "I sure do, 'cause I am the new chief of police in this town." she tells us spinning the gun around her finger only to hurt herself "The rest of the force got fired 'cause of gross incompetence and they hired Denise Hemphill, 'cause clearly I'm the only one with the sleuthin' skills to catch a s..." she gets cut off when the Devil shoots an arrow into on of the cops instantly killing him. "Oh!" Chanel and I shriek watching as the now dead cop fell to the ground "Damn, he shot him! And he gettin' away!" Denise said running after the Devil with the other cop only for the Red Devil to pull down the Christmas tree "Hey... oh! He... oh, he knocked over that big ole' tree! Damn, why didn't I shoot him when I had the chance? I was just talking so much!" she yells as Chanel lays on the ground.

The next morning we all sat in the living room Number 3, 5, Hester and I sitting on one side of the room as Grace and Zayday sat on the other. "Ladies of Kappa, I'm calling this house meeting to order." Chanel said looking at us with her arm in a sling "How's your crossbow wound?" Hester asks "It's doing very well, thank you. The arrow missed all major attires, and I'm currently rolling on some sweet painkillers." Chanel sighs "Sisters... I think it's clear that Dean Munsch is the killer." Chanel states "Well, I'm not sure it's that clear at all." Zayday comments "It is clear. Dean Munsch has been after me and Kappa House as an institution since day one. And she was the only person who knew we were going to the mall. She knew it would be the perfect place to kill us all. That means Dean Munsch has been orchestrating every one of these attacks. Melanie Dorkus. Deaf Taylor Swift." Chanel lists off "That other security guard." Hester says "Predatory Lez." Chanel continues looking at Number 3. "Rodger and Dodger." Number 5 adds sadly "Chad's irritating armless friend. Candle Vlogger. Black British Guy." Chanel continues "Gigi." Grace says "Coney the Ice Cream Cone." Number 3 said "White trash Mandy Greenwall. Ms. Bean." I add on. "Hold on. Chanel killed Ms. Bean." Zayday says to me "I didn't turn on the deep fryer bitch! Like it or not we're sisters, and Dean Munsch is not gonna stop until we're all dead and buried. We've tried going to the police, and they've proven they cannot protect us. So it's time we deal with this problem ourselves." Chanel explains "I sort of feel like we've already been doing that." Number 3 says "What exactly are you proposing?" Grace asks "The only way we're gonna stop the murders is by killing Dean Munsch." Chanel tells us. We all sit in silence for a moment before Zayday speaks up "No. No way. Come on guys, this is insane." she says looking around the room "No Zayday, it isn't." Grace tells her making us all look up in surprise "Chanel... I can honestly say that, for once, I actually agree with you. I also think that Dean Munsch is the killer." she told us now standing by Chanel "Thank you talking pumpkin." Chanel says to her slightly smiling "I have been talking all year about how I want this house to become a true sisterhood. I've always had this vision of a band of sisters who stand together like an impenetrable community of shields who kept everyone safe and secure. But sometimes playing defense isn't enough. Sometimes instead of shields, we need swords. And sometimes to maintain a strong sisterhood... a sister has to cross a line she never thought she could cross. The time has come for me to ask myself, for all of us to ask ourselves, how much does this house and the girls in it mean to us. No one is going to help us. No one is going to stop this until we are all dead. It's up to us. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stop her. Dean Munsch has to die." Grace finishes "What?!" Zayday exclaims "Well I'm sorry, but she is a vindictive, amoral women who no one is gonna miss." Grace tells her. "The question is, how?" Hester says "How do we murder Dean Munsch?" Number 3 asks "I say we poison her." Chanel and Grace say together they both look at each other and smile "Well then, I guess it's settled." Chanel says looking back at us. We all go up stairs, except Zayday, to Chanel's room to look on ways to poison Dean Munsch "How come all the pictures on the wall are selfies? Does she not have any friends?" Number 3 asked as we looked at Dean Musch's blog "Shut up ho bag. We're looking for clues about how to trick her into drinking poison." Chanel told her as she scrolled down "Wait. Look at her status. "Just waiting for my next cup of delicious cup of apple cider. It's my favorite." Grace said reading one of the Deans posts. We went down stairs putting Hester's puffer fish venom into a mason jar of apple cider "Where did you get puffer fish venom?" Chanel asked as we watched Hester put droplets of the venom in the jar "From my puffer fish." Hester told her "Wait. How do we know how much to put in?" Number 5 asks "I heard a drop is enough to kill a man instantly." Number 3 told us "Better put in the whole thing, just to be sure." I tell Hester "I want to be there when she dies." Chanel said grabbing the vile and pouring it in. Later Chanel and Grace came back angry telling us that the poisoned cider didn't kill Munsch.

"All right ladies I want updates. We poisoned Dean Munsch several hours ago. She should have checked into an emergency room by now." Chanel told us as we walked into the living room "The women at Zionist Memorial Hospital said they only admitted one person into the ER all night, but it was some dude who needed help getting a LEGO figure out of his rectum." Number 3 told her as we sat down "What and idiot." Chanel said "It was Chad Radwell." Number 3 told her "What?" Chanel asked "The nurse said he told her he usually does his slightly nude yoga before he sets the perimeter of LEGO characters to guard his bed while he sleeps, but this time he decided to do it after, and accidentally sat on LEGO Captain Jack Sparrow." Number 3 explained "That's the weirdest explanation for anything I've ever heard. Damn it! So, clearly, it's impossible to poison Dean Munsch because she has some weird buzzard gullet that can safely digest anything! We need to think of new ways to kill her!" Chanel exclaims sitting down. "No. I'm not doing this." Grace says "What? Two hours ago you were like "Let's poison the bitch!"." Chanel says angrily to her "Well, I had a change of heart. Look I still think she's most likely the killer, but all the evidence against her is circumstantial. We still don't have a smoking gun, and if we decided to kill her without an overabundance of proof, we are no better that the Red Devil. Who, yes, is probably Dean Munsch." Grace explains. "All those in favor of kicking Grace out of Kappa House?" Chanel asks making the Chanels and I raise our hands "What? No. You can't do that. That's not in the house rules." Grace says in disbelief standing up from her spot "All those in favor of temporarily changing the house rules so that I can kick Grace out of Kappa?" Chanel asks making the Chanels and I raise our hands once more "Sorry Jack Skellington. You're out." I say to her "Fine. It was really great getting to know all of you. I'm really gonna cherish our time here together. Come on Zayday let's go." Grace said turning around. "Grace I'm not coming with you. I love you to death and we'll be friends forever, but... I think Chanel is right. Killing is wrong, but under this circumstance, I don't know what other choice we have. It's pretty obvious she's the killer, and she's not gonna stop until every one of us is dead. Grace I'm sorry. But I think you were right the first time. I hate to say it, but killing Dean Munsch is the right thing to do. " Zayday says standing in front of her, Grace scoffs before walking out of the room. "Hold on sluts. I've got it." Chanel says smirking.

The next day the Chanels, Dean Munsch, Zayday and I are in a spa for Dean Munsch's special treatment "The main thing is you have to be perfectly dry. The cryosauna is set to 200 degrees below zero so any water on your skin will freeze instantly." Chanel tells Munsch as we get to the doors "Well I'm just so excited about this. I follow Jennifer Grey on Instagram, and she raves about cryo." Munsch tells us "Oh we swear by it. 20 to 30 minutes in the cryosauna and I feel better. My skin's glowing. It's amazing for arthritis and lupus." I tell her "Okay, who want to go first? Dean Munsch? I always say age before beauty." Chanel asks. Dean Munsch chuckles "Well, thank you very much. Um okay. Wish me luck girls." she says smiling at us before pressing the button to open the door to the room, "Oh, wow. Isn't it beautiful?" she says as the door opens "Oh and it's not as cold as I thought it would be. Well... Okay." Dean Munsch takes off her robe, hands it to Chanel then steps inside the cryosauna "See you on the other side." she says then Hester closes the door. Hester locks the door on the keypad then walks away, the Dean poses as the smoke from the coldness surrounds her "Number 3 guard the door. Don't let anybody in. Dean Munsch will be dead in minutes." Chanel says we all stand on the stairs watching the cryosauna as the temperature drops. "How come there hasn't been any screaming?" Zayday asks after a couple of minutes "Yeah. She hasn't even tried to break down the door or anything." Number 5 says "Because Dean Munsch has frozen to death idiots." Chanel responds "If she tried to break the door down her arms would snap off." I tell them "Geez. There's a little movie called Terminator you girls might wanna consider watching. Number Seven, you got the body bag?" Chanel asks "Check." Hester replies holding up a small pink backpack. "Okay the car's idling out back. We'll pull bitch Popsicle from the freezer, throw her in the trunk and make tracks." Chanel said. When the door opened we saw Dean Munsch frozen in the pose she started in "Oh my god. She looks terrible." Chanel says happily when all of the sudden she opened her eyes making us gasp "I've never felt better. All right girls, who's next?" she asks as we all stare at her in shock.

Later we all sat at the dining room table for a meeting "Okay you incompetent heifers, I need to know it's physically possible for Dean Munsch to have survived 27 minutes in a cryochamber set to negative 200 degrees below zero." Chanel said walking behind us. Zayday raised her hand from beside me "Zayday go." Chanel demanded "I heard about these Buddhist monks that found a way to meditate, so they can sit outside all night, way, way up in the Himalaya's in weather that would kill a normal person, but their core temperature stays totally normal." Zayday explains "So you think Dean Munsch studied meditation with Buddhist monks in the Himalaya's?" Chanel asked "That's what I said wasn't it?" Zayday replied. "Number Five go." Chanel said after a moment "So I saw this documentary once about this high schooler who could grow all this really thick hair all over her body, if he concentrated really, really, hard on it. And maybe Dean Munsch can do that too. I mean this kid was, like, amazing. Like, he won this high school basketball championship singlehanded..." Number Five explained making us all shake our heads "You're thinking of the movie Teen Wolf you brainless gash, which is not in fact a documentary!" Chanel yells at her. "Maybe Dean Munsch is like Rasputin." Hester says from the other end of the table "Like what?!" Chanel asks walking to her "Uh, Rasputin. He was a mystical Russian peasant who became a close adviser of Tsar Nicholas II because he could magically cure Prince Alexei of his hemophilia." Hester tells her "Okay this seems totally not germane to what we're talking about, so can we please just skip ahead...?" Chanel asks walking away from her. "No! Listen! Rasputin gained more and more power with the Tsarina so, a group of conspirators invited Rasputin to dinner so that they could give him a cup of poisoned wine. But when Rasputin drank the entire bottle of poisoned wine, it had no effect oh him, except just making him burp a lot. So one of the plotters freaked out and took a pistol right in Rasputin's chest and shot him. But it did nothing, except just made him scream, along with the burping. So they shot him again- nothing! And then they shot him in the head. Still nothing! Rasputin wouldn't die. They decided to just take a club and start beating him until finally, Rasputin stopped moving. They cut off his genitalia, wrapped him in a rug and threw him into a icy river. Two days later when they found the body floating downstream, Rasputin's nails were gone! He tried clawing himself" Hester started dragging her nails on the table making a high pitched noise "out of the ice. In the end, he drowned. Maybe she has some magical powers that make her unable to die like, some horror movie villain, like Michael Myers, or Jason, or Dr. Giggles." Hester explained. "Hold on. I just thought of something. I was gonna wait to give you guys these to celebrate another successful Black Friday. But now I have another idea. There brand new smartphones." Chanel pulled out 6 Samsung Galaxy boxes and handed them to us "And keep them on you at all times." she says to us "I like the phone I already have." Number 3 says looking at the box "These phone are much better! Trust me! I already activated each phone, so when I call you, the edge will silently flash color. In this case red. Now when you see the edge go red, don't even pick up. Just quietly head down to the university pool. Aspen and I will lure Dean Munsch there by asking her to meet us alone, and then, right before she can murder us, we'll drown the bitch, just like Rasputin. Got it. Good." she finishes while we all hold our phones.

Later Chanel and I were at the pool while continuously calling Number 3, 5 and Hester but they weren't picking up "Come on, what is wrong with these idiots?" Chanel says frustrated dropping the bag of chains. We turn to see Dean Munsch leaning on a pillar "Oh. Hi." I say after gasping "Hello Aspen. Chanel. Why did you ask me to meet you here? And why are you carrying a bag clearly filled with chains?" she asks us. Chanel and I look down at the bag nervously "Um... bondage?" Chanel replies "Bondage?" Dean Munsch asks walking closer to us "Yes, I-I thought for this week's Campus Feminist Collective, we could talk about the rise of S&M in contemporary literature. We thought you might have a few words to say on it." Chanel explains "About bondage?" she asks once more "Mm-hmm." I say nodding my head. Dean Munsch looks around the pool "Well... where is everybody?" she asks smiling "Actually we don't know." I say locking my hands together, she walks closer to us "Do you think maybe it's because there's a serial killer on the loose and the entire campus has been evacuated?" say questions stopping in front of us "See, now I'm feeling really stupid because I'm just remembering that. Aspen did you remember that?" Chanel asks looking at me making me shaking my head and we back up looking at the water. "Well, it's, uh... it's a shame. Because I have quite a lot to say on the matter." she walks closer to us again while rubbing her hands together. "One more thing. Why did you want the Campus Feminists to meet at a pool?" she asks "I thought we could talk about bondage and... go for a swim." Chanel answers "Hmm. Yeah." Dean Munsch looks at us then walks away slamming the door on the way out, Chanel and I look back at the water then we go back to the house.


	11. Dorkus

Number 3 and I were at Coffee Klatch in line when our phones buzzed. When we unlocked them a letter from Chanel popped up on our screens "Attention all useless Kappa sluts. Congratulations, if you're reading this it means you've overcome the limitations of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email. Now if you're asking yourself. "Derr, wait, I'm confused. Is Chanel talking to me? Am I a useless Kappa slut?" simply ask yourself the following question aloud..." We read together "Is my name Chanel #3, Chanel #5, Chanel #6, Chanel #7 or Zayday Williams?" she read confused. "Because if the answer to that is yes, then felicitations, this missive is for you. So, do you all remember when we agreed to meet up at the campus pool and kill the dean, and I got you all awesome new phones, so that when it came time to meet, the phone would light up a certain color, and when it did, you didn't even have to answer it, you just had to come at the aforementioned pool? And then do you remember not coming the the pool besides Chanel #6, despite me making it super easy for you by concocting a plan so simple that an orangutan could have figured it out? Like, literally, a circus ape of moderate intelligence could have looked down at the phone sticking out of the single pocket in the front of his comical lederhosen and seen it light up and use his short little legs to waddle over to his tiny, motorized Shriner's car and driven to the pool like I asked. Do you remember any aspect of this super simple plan? That's not a rhetorical question. I'm literally asking if your tiny slut brains have the power to process any of my super simple orangutan-level instructions. Because what I remember is that none of you showed up, which meant I had to sit at that stupid pool with Chanel #6, like a grade-A ass-hat, with a bag full of enormous chains to drown Dean Munsch with and then have a super awkward convo with her where I was like, "Oh, derr, I just like bringing enormous chains to pools." and I looked like a total div. I don't entirely know what you whores could have been doing that was more important than helping chapter president drown a serial killer, but unless that thing you were doing was getting enemas of pure liquid gold at a new local establishment called Liquid Gold Colonics for Young Sluts, like if you were doing literally anything else, you all should seriously consider doing the human race a favor and getting sterilized. I'm not being facetious. I literally think you should consider undergoing a surgical procedure to remove your ovaries, thereby sparing the human race exposure to your DNA. You four trollops are the worst specimen of human beings ever born, and you all should really watch your backs, because if this serial killer targeting Kappa House doesn't chop off your heads, I'm gonna do it! So I can sell your tiny whore brainpans to science. Sincerely, Chanel Oberlin." we finished the letter in silence, then looking at each other while #3 rubbed her right earmuff.

The next day I sat on a chair next to Chanel's bed watching as she laid on her bed, in despair after the media commented about her letter, waiting for the garter snake to come out of the box and kill her, "Chanel it's a garter snake. It's not going to kill you." I tell her for the fourth time "Shut up Aspen, it's gonna work. I'm not stupid I got the right snake." she replied without looking up. We sit in silence before a knock at the door makes me look up "Leave me alone." Chanel says to the person on the other side, the door opens to reveal Zayday "Chanel... are you okay?" she asks poking her head in "I said get out, please! I'm trying to kill myself." Chanel says moving on her back looking at the ceiling. This makes Zayday move fully into the room "What?! How?" she asks "Duh, with an asp." Chanel says "Like a snake?" Zayday questions stopping in front of the bed "Yes. I ordered an asp online so I could kill myself like Cleopatra, and now I'm just waiting for it to sense my body heat and come out and bite me so this will all be over." Chanel finishes looking at the box. "Chanel, no, that's insane." Chanel sits up "Is it? Is it insane? My life is over. There's was nothing left to do but go on AliExpress and order a venomous snake for same day delivery and just... end it all." Chanel tells her "Hold on." Zayday sits on the bed and opens the box to reveal a hissing snake "Chanel, this isn't an asp. It's a garter snake." she says lifting the snake out of the box "No it isn't. Look at its markings." Chanel gestures to the it "What markings? This is a sweater." I say. Chanel looks at the snake then flops down "I can't even kill myself right." she says quietly, Zayday sets the snake back in the box "Chanel, look at me." Zayday moves off the bed and sits on the other side, Chanel turned her head "I understand that what you're going through is really intense. And I know you and I haven't really always seen eye to eye, and you say some crazy-mean stuff to me all the time, and I have a real problem with your casual racism, which is something that we need to work on, but girl, I promise I got your back." Zayday says "Really?" Chanel asks "Yes. And I know you can't see it now but thing are gonna get better. You're young, smart and beautiful and you got a lot of living ahead of you. So don't talk about killing yourself, okay? That's not even something you should joke about. Come here." Chanel moves her head in Zayday's lap "Maybe this is one of those teachable moments you know? Like my grandma says. Maybe this is where you learn the lesson that... words really mean something and they can hurt people, so you just can't always say the first horrible thing that pops into your head all the time." Zayday says to her "That's gonna be so hard." Chanel replies "I know." Zayday says. I leave the room and go to mine then my phone started to ring, when I looked at the caller id I saw that it was Thad. "Why are you calling me?" I asked picking up the phone "I wanted to make sure you're okay, I mean there is a killer on your campus. I care about you and I-" he was cut off by screams coming from Chanel's room "I have to go." I told him, before hanging up the phone I heard an "I love you" from the other line which made me put the phone next to my ear. "W-What?" I asked "I said I love you." he replied, I smiled "Uh, I love you too." I replied saying the three words that have only come out of my mouth for Earl. "Really? I mean yeah that's cool. Are you gonna go see if Chanel's okay?" I snapped out of my happy state "Uh yeah. Um, I-I'm gonna go but I'll call you later. Bye" I took the phone away fro my ear hearing a "Bye" from the other side then hanging up and running down stairs. "Bitches, gather around." I hear Chanel say as the other Chanel's and I walk down stairs, when we get to the bottom we see Zayday and Chanel dragging a man in a Red Devil costume in the middle of the floor. "What the hell is going on?" #3 asks "Who is that guy?" #5 asks after "We have no idea. Neither of us have seen him before." Zayday replies "Yeah. It was so weird. As soon as Zayday and I joined forces, he just fell into our lap." Chanel says. "Guys, something really weird happened, and I'm so unsettled." Hester says walking into the room "No one cares! We just caught the killer!" Chanel yells "No, listen! I was getting my Fitbit steps in when this girl appeared out of nowhere with a shawl covering her face." Hester explained "Oh great news. The Hag of Shady Lane has a sister. No one cares." Chanel told her "No she had scars all over her face." Hester continued "She probably had bad achene and wanted beauty tips from us." Chanel replied "It was terrifying. She was carrying a shovel!" Hester told us "There's nothing terrifying about that." I say to her "She kept saying something, something "Dork". Saying I'm-I'm a Dork or something "dork"." Hester rambled. "Number Seven, hi. Everyone on campus but me is a dork. You're always trying to pull focus!" Chanel yelled, she turned back to the guy laying on the floor and kicked him causing a groan. "Any last words?" she asks, the man lets out a muffled response then spits the sock out of his mouth "I'm gonna explode." he says "What?" Zayday asks "We should probably let him use the bathroom." #3 suggest "No! I'm gonna explode! I'm just a delivery guy! I delivered a pizza to this address and someone answered the door in this costume!" He explains to us "Wait there's pizza?" #3 asks "When I woke up I was wrapped in dynamite!" he yells. Chanel bends down and lifts the cape up reveling dynamite strapped to his back, we all gasp "Oh my god it's a bomb." Chanel says then we scream "She had a low voice, like a machine." the bomb started beeping signaling the short amount of time he had to live "She said she... the only way she wouldn't kill me if I came in here and killed everyone. And if I didn't, she'd detonate the bomb!" he explained. The timer hit ten seconds making us scream and run to different areas of the house, we hear an electronic giggling then a large explosion followed by blood splattering against the walls of the house, makes us scream once again.

Later the cops and CDC were inspecting the remains of evidence and blood that remained in the house "I just don't understand. Like, one minute he's here, and then the next he just explodes!" #5 says while crying as #3 and I clean the remaining blood off our faces "We know. We also were there." #3 tells her "I mean, it's just so messed up. Like what are we supposed to do now?" #5 continues "Yes, a totally innocent man who seemed super nice and probably did nothing wrong at all just got blown up in our living room. Bummer. Now, let's honor his memory by moving on." I say getting annoyed with her winning, this makes her cry even more. Chanel walks in "What's wrong with her?" she asks "Number Five is bumming us out by insisting that we relive the moment the pizza guy blew up over and over and over!" #3 says walking over to #5 and pulling out the chair from under her feet "Can you not make it about you for one second?!" Chanel yells "No you don't understand I'm really freaked out! I feel like I'm having a panic attack!" she says quickly. "Get it together Number Five! Stop wallowing and start concentrating on what's really important here. Restoring my reputation." Chanel tells us "Is that what's really important?" I ask her "Listen... ever since Zayday saved my life from the fake asp I ordered online," she said making me roll my eyes "I'm a changed women. Like, I get now that other people have feelings, and that words, they're like weapons or something. So I figured out a plan to restore Kappa House's dignity, get back Chad Radwell, and put me back into the hearts of the citizens of this great nation." Chanel explained "Wait so..." #3 sighed before continuing "the plan isn't to catch the killer?" she asks "No! We already know who the killer is! It's Boone. If we don't want him to kill us we just have to avoid places where gay people go. So, like, behind every Bennigan's." Chanel tells us making me sad because I'm the only one who knows what happened "I love Bennigan's." #3 says. "So what's the plan?" #5 asks "I need to go on an apology tour. You know like, celebrities when they say something offensive, they just go on TV and apologize and everybody forgives them, even thought they don't mean it at all. The first person I'm gonna apologize to..." Chanel says "Me." #3 cuts in "Melanie Dorkus." Chanel finishes smiling at us. "What?" #3 and I say "Yes. You heard what Number Seven said. Clearly Melanie Dorkus is stalking the campus with a shovel, all pissed off because her face got burnt off, and I want to let bygones be bygones." Chanel explains to us "But I thought you said that you weren't the person who put the acid in the spray tanner." #5 said "Well I didn't, but she thinks I did. So here's the plan: we're gonna go to her house, I'm gonna fake apologize, you'll record it, we'll post it online, and it'll all be fine." Chanel explains "Wait, we're gonna what?" #3 asks "Let's go." Chanel gets off the table and walks out. "Like, after Roger and Dodger, I've suffered so much loss in my life." #5 complains to #3 and I once Chanel leaves, we roll our eyes "Oh Jesus. Let's go." #3 says dragging me out of the room while #5 rambles.

Later, after a long car ride filled with whining from #5 we got to Melanie's house "I'm sorry who are you?" her butler asked from behind the gate "I'm Chanel Oberlin. These are my minions. We're here to see Melanie Dorkus." Chanel stated "But Ms. Dorkus does not allow visitors. Due to the nature of her deformities, she has remained in solitude since her release from the hospital." he tells us in a monotone voice. "I'm sorry but there must be some mistake. I spoke with Melanie this morning, and she sounded very excited to see us." I tell him opening the gate then walking in with the other Chanels behind me. "What's that smell?"#5 asks after we take a couple steps in the quiet house "those are the hounds." the butler replies, we hear barking and growling coming from the right of us "Apart from myself, Ms. Dorkus' only companions are the large, angry mastiffs that patrol the corridors. If you'll wait in here, I'll let Ms. Dorkus know you're here." he leads us into a waiting room that contained a large ram and deer head. "Where is Number Seven? She said that she'd meet us here." #5 asks "That's weird. She said she was coming." #3 adds. A couple minutes go by and #5's phone chimes and she gasps "I have to go right now." she says to us "What?" Chanel asks "Somebody just swiped right on me on Tinder. Chanel, this has never happened." the door opens "Me. Dorkus will see you now." the butler tells us "I called the company because I thought the app was broken. I have to go meet this guy." #5 says "You should go." Chanel tells her. #5 smiles "Hmm. Chanel." she walks towards the door and Chanel puts her arm around her shoulders "Any guy swiping right on you is a miracle. So go. Go meet this blind man. And when I'm done apologizing to Melanie, I'm gonna call Pope Francis because... we now have proof of God's existence in this universe." Chanel pushes her forward and then we follow the butler to Melanie's room. We walk down stairs to a bedroom that had a curtain covered bed and the sound of TVs' playing "Get your phone out Number Three. You're recording this." Chanel says quietly "Melanie?" she says in a louder tone, we walked toward the bed "Hi! It's Chanel Oberlin." she says as we go to her bed "I know. I recognized the Island Splash scent of that douche you use." Melanie replies. Chanel and I pull the parted curtains to a lace covered girl, Melanie pulls up her veil to reveal her scared face. We gasp "Oh my god, she looks like Jason Voorhees." #3 says to Chanel and I "No, Jason was deformed since, like, birth. She looks like Freddy Krueger." I tell her "No. Jason Voorhees. He's all disfigured from that toxic waste that got splashed in his face." #3 explains "What movie are you even referring to?" Chanel asked "Jason Goes to Hell." #3 replies " That's the only Friday the 13th movie you've seen?" Chanel asked once again. "I'm right here." Melanie says ending our conversion "Hi. I am so sorry. Melanie you remember Chanel #3, and how's she's a total div and Chanel #6 and how she was always your favorite. I'm sorry I haven't come by sooner. I didn't realize you were in town." Melanie looks away from us and Chanel looks at all the TVs' then back at her "I heard you were living in Alaska, where it's night for half the year." Chanel says "I was, but my parents say living alone in an arctic compound wasn't healthy, so, six weeks ago, they moved me here. This is the estate that three generations of my family went insane in." Melanie informed looking at Chanel. "Well, you look great." I tell her "Don't patronize me. I look like a monster." she replies, all of the sudden #3 snaps her fingers "Toxic Avenger. That's who I was thinking of." Chanel and I look at her making her look down. "Well, have you thought of a little... plastic surgery?" Chanel asks gesturing to her face "I've had nine surgeries already, you evil bitch! You did this to me!" Melanie yells back "Now, Melanie wait a minute." Chanel looks at #3 "Start recording." she whispers then looks back at Melanie "Melanie... There's something I want to say to you. And I think it's gonna be hard for both of us." #3 and I move to the front of the bed and I open the curtains "Melanie I just want to say... that I hope you rot in hell bitch!" Chanel starts attacking Melanie with a pair of scissors trying to stab her, but Melanie kept dodging, so she was stabbing the bed "What are you doing?" I ask in shock "I thought you came here to apologize." #3 adds "Never! I apologize for nothing! Melanie Dorkus is the killer!" Chanel tries to stab at her again but Melanie dodges again with a scream "What?" she asks "Oh don't look so surprised, Mask. All evidence points to you." Chanel looks at the camera "You heard what Number Seven said. She saw someone walking around the campus, in a veil, muttering "Dork, Dork, Dork!" Dork as in Dorkus!" Chanel stabs the bed again "So she suddenly can't remember her own last name?" #3 asks "I called my travel agent, who called Alaska Charters LLC, who confirmed that you, Melanie Dorkus, took a seaplane back to campus one week before the killings started." Chanel confronted. "So?" Melanie replied hysterically "So you're obviously the killer! You came back from your weird arctic compound to get revenge on Kappa House because you're hideous and think that I put acid in your spray tanner when I didn't!" Chanel tries once again to stab Melanie "I don't know what you're talking about! I didn't kill anybody!" Melanie defended "Can it Dorkus. I know it was you. Have fun in hell bitch. And FYI, this is probably gonna hurt a lot.". But before she could kill Melanie Zayday's hand grabbed her arm before the scissors could kill her "Wait! Chanel! Stop! Stop, stop, stop! She's not the killer." Grace says "What are you talking about? Of course she is!" Chanel said as Melanie sat up and looked at Grace "No she's not. I swear. We have proof. It's Hester. Hester is the Red Devil." Chanel looks at Melanie before chuckling "So sorry." she says to her "Stop recording!" she whisper yells at #3.

We all went back to the Kappa House to look for Hester "I knew that bitch was a nut burger the minute I met her. It's like who wears a neck brace like that in 2015? You know, who are you? Forest Gump." Chanel said as Grace and Zayday looked for Hester "That's why you gave her a makeover and made her one of your minions?" Zayday questioned "Have you not noticed that the Chanels operate in a world that is outside the laws of man?" Chanel asked "She has to show back up here eventually. We need to devise a trap. But remember, she's armed and dangerous." Grace says looking at us. Then we hear a scream coming from upstairs causing #3 to scream and attach to my arm making me snatch away, we go into the kitchen and grab weapons then go upstairs. We go down the hall but stop and gasp when we see #5 "Did you hear that? I think it came from Chanel's closet." she says to us standing in the middle of the bathroom "Number Five, what are you doing here? Oh please tell me you did not bring your insane and obviously blind Tinder hookup back here. I mean the last thing I need to see right now is a guy running out of your room with his index finger bitten off. You know because your vagina has teeth." Chanel says. #5 walks closer holding up her phone "No. It was a fake, and I should have known because his Tinder profile picture is the guy from Nickleback cut out of a magazine." she told us. "You're saying that you would've been okay if it was the guy from Nickleback? He's like, 60. And Canadian." I ask her "I lost my virginity to a Nickleback song." #3 tells us "Okay, can we please stop talking about Chanel #5's dating life and see who's screaming? Come on." Grace asks us we looked to see her and Zayday already at Chanel's door. The Chanels and I walk into Chanel's closet with #5 now following us, we look around until #3 gasp and then we see what she's looking at, Hester laying in a pool of her blood with Chanel's heel in her eye "Oh my god." Grace says "Is she dead?" #3 asks "This is so horrible." #5 says "I know. That was such a fabulous pair of shoes." Chanel complained. "I can't feel a pulse." Zayday said holing Hester's wrist "This doesn't make any sense. Hester is the killer. Pete's dead, Boone's dead. Who could have done this to her?" Grace asks, then Hester gasps opening her eye, looks around, then gasps once more pointing at #5 "Red... Devil!" we all turn to #5 and look at her.


	12. The Final Girl(s)

We watched as Hester was pushed out of the closet on a gurney "Hester, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay." I say running along the gurney with Chanel "Can we save the shoe?" she whispers to the guy. We go down the hallway when Hester put her hand on the doorway stopping it "The Red Devil!" she says pointing to #5 again, then they leave. The next morning everyone, but Hester, was sitting in the living room "I didn't do it I swear!" #5 pleaded as #3 and I stood behind her "Oh please, we all know the guy from Nickleback did not, in fact, swipe right on your profile." Chanel said "Uh, yes, he did, okay? Nickleback is in town playing some kid's bat mitzvah." #5 told her. "Please! It was clearly a ruse so you could sneak back into the house and kill Number Seven!" Chanel yelled "I would never Chanel! I'm one of the good guys! Look, I-I know, I know that I can be socially awkward and-and a little bit off-putting and that most people find it very difficult to be around me, but you know me Chanel. I'm not the killer." #5 explained "Um, excuse me? I think you're a serial killer because I know you Number Five! You bite your own toenails." Chanel told her "Okay, I am flexible. Why would I waist money buying toenail clippers when God already blessed me with toenail clippers in the form of teeth in my mouth?!" #5 explained making #3 and I look at each other in disgust. "It's awfully convenient that you're the one who noticed Number Two's body went missing." I accuse "Maybe you knew it was gone 'cause you'd already taken it to the house on Shady Lane. Look we should all just stay up and wait until Number Five gets tired and passes out. She confesses all sorts of crazy stuff in her sleep. She, Number 6 and I were roommates the first year we lived in the house." #3 tells us. "Wait a minute. Everybody shut up! I know what happened. You killed Number Two and confessed it in your sleep to Roger and Dodger after a hot night of letting them Eiffel Tower you. Once you knew that they both knew, you realized that you'd have to kill them!" Chanel guessed "Oh. Oh I see where this is going. You're gonna try and pin all of these murders on me so I spend the rest of my life in prison." #5 said getting up from the chair. "Oh, no my friend. You... are going to the electric chair." Chanel says "No! Do they still use those?" #5 asks "Uh-huh. Okay. Well thank you for letting me know." Denise says talking on the phone then hanging up "Well, well, well. This just in. Police Chief Denise Hemphill just got a call. That a decomposing male body was found with rippling abs and a possibly gay face that appears to be a match for one Boone Clemens. That's right ya'll! Hot damn shazam! Boone is dead. Excuse me for a second while I drop the mic." she drops an invisible mic. "We already knew Boone was dead. Pete admitted to killing him." Grace told her "And he wasn't gay." I add in a whining tone "Okay, well, excuse me for trying to reiterate the facts and get us all on the same page. I mean, after all I am just the chief of the whole damn police department." Denise says walking closer to us "Okay look this is all so insane. Look we can all freely admit that Number Five is fairly odd, but she is not the killer. The killer is Hester." Grace says "Yes and the proof is in her files." Zayday adds on. We turn our heads at the sound of the door closing and we see Hester walk in wearing an eye patch "The only proof you need is this hole in my head. Good news. Chanel Number Five didn't insert the heel hard enough to pierce my orbital socket. The doctors were able to save my eyeball, and they said that I'm going to make a full recovery." she said walking into the living room "No that can't be true. You're the killer! Your entire life story is totally fabricated. Just look at her insane, obviously made up, high school transcript." Grace told us "I'm very embarrassed about that. Yes, it's true, I falsified my high school transcripts, but only to cover up the fact that I was homeschooled." Chanel gasps "Mm." Denise said "I-I was afraid that if people found out they wouldn't ask me to join a sorority." Hester explains "Liar! You are the baby in the bathtub. You look just like Boone. And Pete told us that your DNA matched Boone and my dad." Grace said. "Are you talking about the same Pete who admitted to being one of the killers? He's just making that all up to cover for his real partner in crime, Chanel #5!" Hester pointed in her direction "No." #5 whined "Well then how do you explain the fact there's absolutely no records on your parents anywhere?" Grace asked. The doorbell rang again making Chanel groan getting up and going to the door "I think the answer to that is at the door." Hester says

"Hester?" I see a man and woman hug Hester when they get in the house "Oh sweetheart your okay." he says hugging Hester "Stepfather." Hester says "We came as soon as we heard." the lady says "Oh mother. Cuddlebear." Hester says looking down at the black/grey dog "Everyone, these are my parents, Clark and Delight." Hester tells us "Hester is our biological daughter. She definitely was not adopted. I have the stretch marks to prove it." Delight tells us chuckling. "That's right, we're prepared to corroborate everything my stepdaughter Hester has just said." Clark said squeezing Hester's shoulders "Do I know you?" Zayday asked looking at Clark "Wait, hold on, there's no record of Hester's parents anywhere." Grace said "That's because until recently, my husband and I worked for the CIA. We were forced to remain deep undercover to protect Hester and Cuddlebear and the people who love them." Delight told us. "Wait I do know you! I know where I know you from. You're from that prostate commercial. Can you say that line I love so much?" Zayday asks "Thank's MaxFlow, my stream's never been stronger." he says "Never been stronger" Zayday says excitedly with him "yes, I love that line!" she finishes "Well in order to not blow their super-secret CIA covers, my parents sometimes work as actors in commercials." Hester explained "Oh, yeah, yeah." Clark added. "Well I wanna talk to my parents so they can explain to you how I am not a serial killer, nor am I the baby in the bathtub." #5 told her "Don't worry I already called you parents. I called your's to Aspen." Hester told us "Wh-Why? I didn't do anything." I said glaring at her as the doorbell rang making Chanel groan once more. When the door opened it revealed #5's mom and dad, they walked in and behind them was my mom and dad "Mom and Dad! Hi! Can you please tell everybody how I wasn't adopted, nor am I a serial killer." #5 asks them "So, we're not Chanel #5's real parents. A women named Gigi gave her to us after a sizable stint in a mental institution." her dad said "What?!" #5 yells "We took her in out of the kindness of our hearts. And also for the tax deduction." her mom explained "That's not true!" #5 yelled again. "All Gigi asked was that when the time came that we enroll our daughter in Wallace University and encourage her to pledge Kappa Kappa Tau." her dad explained "We tried to love her like our own but I mean... she's not great. And now that the truth is out that she's probably a murderer we don't want to have anything to do with her." her mom said "No! How could you do this to me!" #5 yelled at them then running into the living room. #3 and I held #5's hands as we sat on the couch "I can't believe what I'm hearing! Please tell them the truth." #5 pleaded "It is the truth you frumpy monster." her mom said making us gasp at her "The psychologists said you probably wouldn't remember the asylum on account of it being so traumatic. Your mind filled in the gaps with imagined memories of growing up in our house." her dad explained "But sweetie, you'r toxic, and you're bumming us out, so it's time for you to go." her mom told her. "Okay, okay, I have heard enough. Now I still believe that Zayday Williams is the killer. But this is real suspicious. So Chanel #5, you are under arrest." Denise said walking to her "What?! You can't arrest me- don't you need like a warrant or something from a judge?" #5 asked standing up "What?! I'm the chief of the police department and I can arrest whoever I want. And little girl, you, you got the right to remain silent." Denise turns #5 around and handcuffs her "And you got some other rights that come after that, and I don't know what they are 'cause I don't remember what I'm supposed to say after "You got the right to remain silent," but come on!" but then Hester step closer to us "Wait I'm not finished. She's not the only killer. You also need to arrest... Chanel #3!" she points at #3. "Wait you think I'm the killer?" she asks "I know for a fact that you're working hand-in-hand with Chanel #5 and her evil killing brother Boone and that your first victim was Deaf Taylor Swift." Hester blames "What? That's impossible. When the pledges were buried up to their necks in the backyard, I was sipping banana daiquiris at the White Stallion." #3 said crossing her legs "Well, yeah, you came to the White Stallion with us, but then you disappeared as soon as we got there." #5 commented "Care to elaborate Number Three?" Hester asked "I can explain. When I got to the bar I realized my stomach was really bothering me. I thought maybe someone had put something in my drink because I was getting mad cramps, and I knew it was gonna be trouble. I was past needing to go number two. I needed to go number three." she explained making us gasp "But the bathrooms at the White Stallion are freakin' disgusting. There was no way I was gonna lay down some pipe in there. So I went back to Kappa House and I destroyed the bathroom upstairs. But I didn't kill anyone." #3 finished "Hmm. So let me get this straight. You're accusing someone here in Kappa House of putting laxatives in your cocktail?" Hester questioned "Messing with somebody's regularity? That's downright criminal." Denise said "Hmm, but let's say you aren't lying and that you didn't mow Deaf Taylor Swift's head off. I know for a fact that you killed Predatory Lez." Hester said "No I didn't." #3 replied "You know, when you sent her down there to die because you were too ashamed of your feelings for her, I went down there to check on her when I caught a glimpse of someone running the upstairs, and they were wearing earmuffs!" #3 stood up "Your lying!" she yelled "That's just what I saw." Hester replied "Well just saying you saw something isn't evidence." #3 told her "No, you're right, it's not evidence. But it is suspicious. You know why? 'Cause you're the only one in here wearing earmuffs!" Denise yells "Yeah I know." #3 tells her. "Let's not forget the most suspicious fact of all . Your Charles Manson's daughter." Hester says walking away to get letters "Uh, say what now?!" Denise questions standing up from her seat "And you have a shoe box full of letters from him giving you advice on how to kill your friends." Hester walks back over to us with the letters in her hand "Wait Number Three, is that true?" I ask "I can explain. Yes I've become pen pals with my biological father Charles Manson. I wanted my real dad to help me with some growing up stuff, like how to french-kiss a boy or how to know when I've met Mr. or Miss Right. But when he writes back his advice is always, "Maybe you should murder some of your sorority sisters." we all look at her in shock. "Why don't you go ahead and read us one?" Hester asks "Precious daughter, I'm sorry I don't know anything about yeast infections but I did see an incredible story on the news about uh, a, pizza guy who had a bomb strapped to him. I'm totes sad that I can't order a pizza to the penitentiary and strap a bomb to the pizza guy, but that doesn't mean y-you can't." #3 reads folding the letter back up "Oh man. That's real suspicious." Denise says "I-I'm telling you I didn't kill anybody." #3 tells her "Well maybe you didn't but your split personality did. I have a signed letter here from your psychiatrist." Hester begins "I've never been to a psychiatrist." #3 says "Well your split personality has. It says right here. "Dear Hester, yes I've treated Chanel #3 for her split personality disorder over the course of about eight months. She showed up at my office in a leather jacket claiming her name was Dirty Helen and that she was the leader of a notorious West Coast biker gang." she shows the letter to Chanel, causing her to gasp, before continuing "Dirty Helen made threats against my family, and I was forced to move my practice out of the country. Signed, Dr. Adam Berkel, MD." I rolled my eyes as she finished. "Oh my god, so your saying that Dirty Helen could have killed Sam and Deaf Taylor Swift and I would have no memory of killing them or receiving treatment?" #3 asks sitting next to me "That's exactly how split personality works. Chanel #5 admitted to you that she was the baby in the bathtub, and that she convinced your split personality to join her on a killing spree." Hester told her "This conversation never took place!" #5 complains "Yeah, but if it did I wouldn't remember 'cause you were talking to my evil split personality Dirty Helen." #3 finishes "Okay, Chanel #3 you are under arrest." Denise puts #3 in hand cuffs "Sam wherever you are I'm so sorry my split personality murdered you!" #3 cries. "Okay I'm sorry why are my parents here. Your not gonna blame me for something that I didn't do are you?" I ask Hester "Oh, I'm not gonna blame you for anything, just state facts. I have texts between you and Boone that proves you were on the Red Devil team." she holds up my phone "In these text it clearly states that you killed Dodger, and then after you and Boone had sex." she says awkwardly while everyone looks at me weirdly "I didn't kill anyone. I mean I was thinking about killing Number Five but then I was like "What if she comes back and haunts me and she complains about being a ghost to me for the rest of my life but then I, like, kill myself then I'm stuck with her for all eternity" and I couldn't be stuck with her for the rest of my life so I didn't kill her." I tell them making #5 gasp at my statement "Mom, dad tell this neck brace whore that I am not capable of killing." I say looking at my parents who just looked at each other "Uh, yeah, we can't do that." my dad tells me "W-What do you mean?" I ask widening my eyes "Well, the thing is we're pretty sure that you put the acid in Melanie Dorkus's spray tanner. We found your credit card bill and it showed that you bought acid in the beginning of the year." my mom explains "What?! No?! I never put acid in her spray tanner! Why are you lying to me, I'm not Chanel #5! You're the worst parents ever!" I yell "Uh huh, okay well Chanel #6 you are under arrest." Denise puts hand cuffs around my wrists.

"Wait! There's someone else you need to arrest too. Chanel Oberlin!" Hester turns to Chanel "Wait what?" Chanel asks "Uh, Excuse me. Uh, if you're just gonna continue to accuse everyone could we at least sit down?" #3's dad asked "Liam we're gonna loose our reservation." her mom complained "Uh, it's really all interesting though." he says leading her to sit on the couch "I have proof that you Chanel Oberlin entered a home improvement store two months ago and purchased the following items: a garden shear, a riding mower, three chain saws, a pneumatic nail gun, two axes, and a crossbow." Hester tells her "Okay first of all, I was the one who was shot with the crossbow! And also they don't sell crossbows at home improvement centers!" Chanel yells "Oh Chanel, the security footage begs to differ." she hands a tablet to Chanel "It's also stated right here in your Diners Club monthly statement." she says. Chanel looks at the bills "What? I don't have a Diners Club card! Is Diners Club still even a thing?" Chanel asks "I still keep one in my wallet for backup." Hester's mom says "I don't know why I'm the one who always has to bring this up, but we did all watch Chanel burn Ms. Bean's face off." Zayday says looking at us, Chanel stands up "For the last time, that was a Hell Week prank gone wrong! I didn't know the oil was boiling! Someone turned on that deep fryer!" Chanel finished "I don't know." Zayday said quietly "And Aspen and I did just watch you try to murder Melanie Dorkus with a pair of scissors earlier this afternoon." #3 says "I only did that because I thought she was the killer! I mean, I'm telling you I'm not the Red Devil! You bitch. What is your game here? I mean I'm all for Number Five being the killer. She's a weird psychopath who would look like Boone's homely, bloated sister if she let her horrible black roots grow out. She probably is the baby in the bathtub. And I am 100 % not surprised that Chanel #3 is also a psycho with a split personality who is helping Number Five murder everybody! I'm also not surprised that Chanel Number Six would put the acid in Melanie's spray tanner because she's a shady bitch! But why me?! I mean, I am a pillar of this community. I'm also already hot and rich. What would I have to gain by hatching a plan to knock off a bunch of nameless dumb whores?" Chanel asks "I don't think that you did hatch the plan Chanel. But I think that once the murders started happening, you saw it as a perfect opportunity to knock off the pledges you thought would ruin Kappa Kappa Tau. With each murdered pledge this sorority house got closer to being the Kappa Tau that you always intended to be!" Hester explains "Oh yea? Well then why didn't I kill the two pledges I actually hate- dumb-ass Grace and stupid Zayday?" Chanel asked walking over to Grace and Zayday "Plausible deniability! You knew by keeping these two alive that it would keep everyone off your scent." Hester said "No!" Chanel said stomping her foot "Come on Cyclops. In the sleuthing business, that's what we call ice-cold logic." Denise says standing up from her spot "It's obvious when you look at it Chanel that everything that's happened on this campus so far is just the logical next step for sororities everywhere. Because what's not murder if not the most perfect ultimate form of hazing? What better way for you to knock off everyone that you hate, because their different from you or not as popular or not as pretty, than to murder them one by one?!" Hester questioned her back Chanel into a spot between #5 and I on the couch. Hester slowly claps three times "Congratulations Chanel. You almost got the Kappa House that you always dreamed of." she tells her "This is what I like to call first-class entertainment. And I'd love nothing more than to stand around here watching you all descend into a nightmare of accusation and recrimination. But I am here to represent the law. And unfortunately for you Chanel Oberlin, aka one of the murderers, you are under arrest." Denise tells her "You'll never take me alive!" Chanel yells running out of the living room followed by #3 and #5. "Time to call the po-po. The chief of police is requesting backup" then strippers in police uniforms come back with the three Chanel's "Are these strippers?" Grace asks "They used to be strippers, okay? But uh, super-sleuthing Chief of Police Denise Hemphill had em' deputized. Get em' boys!" Denise says. A stripper/cop comes behind me and walks me to where the other screaming Chanel's, except #3, were. Denise walked up to us "You rich, dumb hos are going downtown! Get em' outta here!" the cops drag us out of the house "You can't! Wait, no!" #5 screams trying to get out of the three cops grip.

Next month the Chanels and I stood in front of a judge waiting to see if we could post for bail. He banged the gavel "I am holding you in contempt of court. Bail is revoked!" He tells us banging his gavel once more and the guards took us out. A couple months later we were back in court but this time in prison jumpsuits. "All rise." the Chanels and I stand up "Be seated." then we sit down "So has the jury reached the verdict?" the judge asks looking at the jury "We have your honor. We the jury find the defendants..." the lady says "Objection!" Chanel yells slamming her hand on the table and standing up "There is no more objections. The trial is over." the judge tells her "What? When did that happen?" #3 asks "You were asleep." I tell her "Judge Joe Brown, we, The Chanels hereby declare this trial a farce. I was under the impression that I had the inalienable right to the jury of my peers. Look at these hippos. These are not my peers. I'm a hot, rich, skinny chick, which makes me entitled to a jury of hot, rich, skinny chicks to see how awesome I am and to see that the four of us are innocent!" Chanel explains, which I already know that it caused something bad. "Your-Your honor! We the jury find that the defendants are guilty on all 47 counts." the women says, Chanel shrieks and tons of murmurers echo throughout the court, the judge bangs his gavel "Order in the court!" he yells making everyone get quiet "This is a travesty Judge Mathis. This is a kangaroo court. And I am choosing to ignore this verdict." Chanel says sitting down "What? You can't ignore the verdict." he says "What verdict? See this is me ignoring the verdict. For, like, the millionth time, my dad is super gross rich. Like, disgusting rich. He'll have me out of prison in no time." Chanel says, I put my hands over my face. "Chanel, your parents abandoned you. They legally disowned you three weeks ago and filed an amicus brief with the prosecution stating that they think you are a serial killer. They also want to sue you for the time that you drove your Range Rover into their living room because you didn't want to walk all the way up the driveway." the judge tells her "It is such a long driveway." Chanel replies getting chocked up "Don't worry Ms. Oberlin. You ladies are not going to prison." he says "Thank you." Chanel chuckles "You're going to an asylum." he tells us "What?!" I yell over the applause's in the background. "You know you four are the worst human beings that I have ever encountered." I wave my hands in front of my eyes in attempt to dry my tears " You have absolutely no regard for anyone but yourselves. Your rude, entitled, narcissistic, racist and insane." he directed to #5 "You elected to represent yourselves in a capital murder case, despite lacking even a basic understanding of the law." he directed to Chanel "And then you-you mostly slept through your own trial. That's crazy." he directed to #3 "Your entire defense consisted of you screaming at the jury that you didn't kill anybody and then threatening to kill them if they found you guilty." he directed this to me "That is crazy behavior. Chanel, you're crazy! Ladies please stand." we stayed sitting "Stand up!" he yells making us stand "Chanel Oberlin, Sadie Swenson, Aspen Anderson, Libby Putney..." #3's real name causes Chanel and I to laugh "I'm sorry, I keep forgetting your real name is Libby Putney." I tell her "I sentence you to life in prison at the Palmer Asylum for the Insane! Court is adjourned.". Cops took us out of the court outside and we were surrounded by people, they led us on a bus where Chanel, #3 and 5 sit in the front seat and I sit by myself. We got led into the asylum, the Chanels and I now in different clothes, and into a large living room type area. I mean after a couple of days the asylum seemed fine, Number Three went full lez and fell in love with one of the lesbian nurses. A psychiatrist put Number Five on these meds that made her tolerable, no one was more shocked then Chanel when they became best friends. Chanel's nicer then she was at Kappa House and is less controlling. And I fell in love with this guy named Cody, after loosing touch with Thad, who's the only boy in here but he's super sweet, adorable, funny and he's totally accepting of my past at Kappa House. The good thing about the asylum is there's no popularity contest, no judgment or the pressure to be the hottest, and the best of all I could eat real food and not just cotton balls. I watch as The Chanels do voting for president of the asylum "That's it. The votes are in. It's unanimous." #3 says holding a jar of white marbles"Congratulations Chanel. You've been voted house president." #5 said, the other patients clap "Thank you so much. Now let's all raise a Dixie cup of delicious prune wine that Number Six so lovingly brewed for us in the toilet. To... Chanel." the patients repeat Chanel's name then drinking the wine. Later that night I slept in the bed next to #3 and her lesbian girlfriend with Cody's arm around me when Chanel's screaming woke me up.


End file.
